It's 8:18pm, I'm watching tv on the internet with three dogs at my feet. It's Thursday - Andrew doesn't teach afternoon classes. He's usually home around 3pm, takes Serena and Phia to the park but he's not home and I have no idea where he's at. Now, I know what you're thinking, it's none of my damn business what he's doing but... emotions are complicated.
With every car that drives past the window Serena whines with anticipation for her Daddy to open the garage door. I gave in and texted him. That was 16 minutes ago. For a man who lives on his phone, never has it more then a foot away, he's put me back in that horrible place I dread; he's avoiding me.
Whatever. I can take it. I don't let the feelings of being small and unimportant marinate for long. Soon I won't have to rationalize these shitty thoughts because I won't be in this scenario. I won't look at the clock and wonder why he's not home. I'll have a handful of other agonizing thoughts running through my mind as I sit on my sofa in my apartment. What can I say, I'm an emotional cutter.
I've been thinking about my future this week and that's when I fight back the tears. I don't know if it's the thought that he'll not miss me the way I want him too or that I never really meant that much and he'll bounce back before Spring term starts.
It's insane how insane we can drive ourselves when we have the loss of a relationship to deal with. So many ways to handle the achy, crappy feelings but more often then not we choose a painful path to coping. But what is the smart path? I think I'm being very smart but I still have all these shitty feelings tangled with sadness and I want to scream at him and cut him out of my life, but only if he puts up a fight.
How messed up is that?
And since he won't, we just avoid each other until we leave this apartment. This man who I wanted so much more from, just wants out.
I took the cutesy pictures of us off the fridge the night we broke up. All that remain are solo pics with the dogs. When I'm having a good (brief) cry, I tell that photo, "I love you."
Who knows why I do these things. I feel like saying he doesn't deserve it, but I don't know what to think or what to feel right now. I'm just having a good, and I'll make it brief, cry.
2 comments:
I don't know you, we had mutual friends in high school. Or maybe just Miguel. I barely remember.
You said in your response to my comment that you're not good at relationships and I don't think you should worry about that. I've never felt like I was but I've certainly gotten better with age and experience. Compromise isn't even necessarily a bad thing, I think it's possibly necessary in a lasting relationship. There's a difference between compromise and putting someone else before you. Actually, that sounds crazy. can think of many times I've put my husband and other people before myself but not in ways that are harmful to me. Not in ways that make me feel bad or anything like that. Certainly not ever for people I'm not sure love me or care about me the way I care about them.
Honestly, it sounds cynical or something but you really do have to look out for yourself. Not many people can be trusted to do that for you and definitely not well. Only you know what you want and what you need. When you make someone else responsible for providing you with those things-you lose your power. It doesn't sound like you've been getting what you want or need where you are for a long time and moving on is probably best. I don't know how you just get over someone but in this case I'm mildly confused as to why you were there as long as you were. Loving someone is one thing but loving them and allowing them to mistreat you (it's not a major offense but avoiding you or whatever that is, is incredibly rude behavior from someone who cares about you. Regardless of how intense and uncomfortable these situations can be-avoiding you is disrespectful and cowardly. I'm not saying the situation is all his fault but he has a part in it and avoidance is just childish.) is another.
He doesn't deserve your love. Your love or your time or energy. Probably not even your tears. That should be clear by now. The fact that he doesn't want to be with you anymore says it all. You should never give him another opportunity and you should go to your new place and work on healing so you can get back out there and find someone who is deserving of your love. You need to find a nice guy who loves you so much you often wonder if you could possibly love him more. Someone who wouldn't hurt you in the first place. much less hurt you and then avoid you so he doesn't have to feel like an ass.
I'm sure all of this unsolicited and incredibly long winded advice is annoying but it truly bothers me to see so many women going through stuff like this. You deserve better. For some reason a lot of women have a hard time understanding this. Stop settling because you think you're not good enough. Hold out for the guy who makes you feel like you've never been better.
Boo him. It sucks. It's going to suck for a long time, but you're doing all of the right things.
I think it's extra shitty right now because you're still living with each other.
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