Vulnerable?

Why can't I "un"friend him? He isn't directly doing a thing to hurt or irritate me. I know it's not healthy to torture myself, in this way, by looking daily for an updated picture of my dog, er, his dog. Review his status to see if it reports that he's out of town or consumed with errands (and that's why he hasn't followed through with wanting to meet up once he returned State side).

But did he ever follow through... with anything he ever said he would... to me? No.

There you have it.

I do it to myself. I'm not sad - all the time. I feel like I'm doing what everyone has told me to do; fake it till you make it. You're not happy, act happy. Keep yourself busy to not think about the shit and pretty soon the shit won't matter.

When is this suppose to happen exactly? Four months? Six? A year? Let me guess, it's different for everyone.

Ok.

I'll just continue keeping myself "busy." Actively not thinking about what I'm not suppose to be thinking about. It's been five and a half months. What hurts is I don't miss him like I used to. I'm crushed, grieving and down right sad that the man I loved and supported and dedicated myself to is slowly turning into this foreigner. Every one of his smiles or gestures; the sound of his voice, his natural scent - all of it - did I make it more special then it really was? This really selfish and manipulative person is new to me. Where's the man I loved? I wonder if he once was all these amazing things or did I hype him up because I wished so much for him to be all these things?

????

Getting out of town will help me. I really do believe that. I'm going out of my comfort zone this weekend. I'm rafting. I can't swim and have some serious anxiety about water in it's natural setting, but I'm doing it. And not only that, I'm going camping with about 30 strangers. I'm car camping with my buddy but we're joining a group at this resort and my hopes are to meet new people and shake things up.

I desperately want to better understand the world around me, and the people around me. I want to believe people when they show me who they are instead of wishing them into someone they are not. I am the only one to blame for my disappointment and sorrow after they leave. I thought I was more realistic and grounded then this.

Love by Roy Croft

I love you
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.
I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.
I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can't help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find
I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple.
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.
I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good.
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.
You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.