Fat Tuesday

Face paint was purchased yesterday. I'm not not looking forward to working this evening, I just don't care about anything right now.

He's smoking again.

Well, he smoked last night. I couldn't even cry. Sobriety hasn't taken a backseat, it's exited the car and is non-existent at this point. The hurt runs deeper then disappointment; my heart is exhausted. I made an appointment with my incredibly intelligent and sensitive therapist, Dr. Whitney Preece. She can't get me in till next week but her words always give me strength.

If you believe in God you'd probably tell me this is a test. A test that will make me stronger in the long run. I'm not a big believer in God. But I'm a believer in not being a quitter. I like to think I follow my own rules:
-never quit, but know when to throw in the towel.

I wonder if I should have thrown in the towel when he stepped out on me January 2009? I wonder if I should have thrown in the towel when he went back on everything he promised me in April 2009 and I told him I couldn't live with him? I wonder if I should have thrown in the towel when he promised, yet again, everything I needed to hear and let him move back in June, just to turn around and do the same bullshit to me in September 2009? When do I accept that I shouldn't be so mad at Andrew, but question who I am?

Shame is a beast. But I'm not a quitter.

I have work tonight. I don't feel like going but even more so, I don't feel like going "home" and sitting in the living room, unable to concentrate on my homework by pretending he's not downstairs with our puppy (soon to be his puppy), watching American Idol and feeling relieved he's finally free from this relationship.

Today is Fat Tuesday - the historic day before Lent; let us be merry and eat and do what we please before giving it up to please Jesus for the next 46 days. I don't practice the Lent tradition, but maybe it's symbolic and I need to take notice... maybe I need to give up on putting up with so much garbage from other people.

I don't know. I'm just typing to pass the time today.

Happy Mardi Gras bloggers. Maybe I'll post some pictures later.