numb to V-Day 2010

I haven't been very loyal to my daily photo blog, and I haven't posted here in what, about a week? I feel like I've been so insanely busy but when I try to recall my busy schedule only the usual stuff comes to mind; work, school. So time to write what's on my mind: February 14th.

Valentine's Day is a mere 11 days away. I used to be all about V-Day. The idea that we are encouraged to be silly, er, stupid romantics, giving singing, bedazzled cards, chocolates, panties with names on them was something that captivated me. This year I'm not in the mood. Have I lost the spark?

I hope not.

I would love to be planning out the perfect gift, possibly planning an intimate home dinner with Andrew, make dog-friendly cupcakes for my pack but I'm just not feelin' it. One of the many promotion companies I work for has asked me to work the Yard, Garden and Patio Show at the Convention Center that day - I've agreed. Now, last year I worked V-Day as well. I worked the Monster Truck Show at the Rose Garden. The event was over around 1pm and that gave us plenty of time to pack the dogs in the car and spend an extended weekend at Rockaway Beach.

But that was last year. I feel things have changed for me regarding how I treat myself in the relationships I choose to be in. Valentine's Day 2009 was a weekend getaway band aide. It covered the open wound but unfortunately, it did not heal it.

Looking back a year so much has happened in my life. Therapy, Al-Anon, returning to school, new car, drama at work, drama with Andrew, speaking to my mother (calmly) for the first time in 4.5 years - all of that compacted into 12-months is incredible!! All of that has made me approach this adorable holiday wearing misanthropic glasses. I've matured and with that I've lost my girlish notion of romance.

I'm not so cynical that I'm now saying love doesn't exist - it's just not what I imagined it to be. Devotion is gritty, love is confusing but working through the disappointments and discovering that the one you love has flaws and in spite of those flaws - even if they hurt you, they are still the person you want to make smile and they want to make you smile is something very, very special.

My lack of Valentine's Day enthusiasm is due to the latter of the above. Sometimes I feel like I'm the one of this duo that is trying to make the other smile while he is content with accepting. I want someone who is happy making me happy. I don't feel like celebrating love when I'm the one doing all the planning, the hyping and acknowledging the importance of celebrating said love.

It boils down to this: if he isn't into it, well hell, I won't be either.

Happy flipping Valentine's Day. I'll wait to see if he mentions anything regarding the holiday.

Check back for updates.