Monday, April 11, 2011
Stumbling in Seattle
I spent the weekend in Seattle to visit a friend. A test run perhaps is more accurate then visit. Yes, a 'test run' to see if said friendship could weather a long distance relationship. Driving up I was confident that this would be an exciting weekend with a fantastic man and things would probably lean towards 'Hell yes, lets do this!' I was also keeping the practical check list in my brain - the reasons why I should stay grounded, maybe even pessimistic, just to protect myself going in.
I should have focused more on the reality vs. the excitement; the drive home Sunday would have ached less.
After a hellish 4 plus hours in the car I arrive in Seattle Friday evening. MB is still working, (MB is the fantastic man), so I catch a drink with Jake and Maggie; MB meets up with us. The night is spent laughing, bar hopping, being unable to ignore the intense electricity between the two of us and being absolutely enamored by each other. Asking those questions, "What would it look like if we were official?", "How'd it even work?" and admitting that the only dilemma in our situation is the distance. If we were in the same city, without a doubt we'd be together (and oh, what a couple we'd be). The night ended in a flurry of emotions, heightened by intoxication; both booze and romantically fueled.
Saturday was a lazy day and that triggered conversation. This is when reality sunk in and I realized I was silly to make such a rash assumption. His fears and doubts made me insecure and once believing our differences made us wonderfully dynamic and interesting, were now excuses and listed on the 'con' side of the "should we or shouldn't we" list in my mind.
I do this almost automatically; an ironic quintessential source of emotional protection but it's so damn stupid. I spent the remainder of this visit (yes, it's back to being a visit), enjoying the company of this brilliant, beautiful man but telling myself this is all that it can be. No matter what I want it to be - I need to step back otherwise I'm going to make a fool of myself. Being hurt in private is so much easier to manage then saying too much or exposing too much of yourself and dealing with the rejection/disappointment.
The drive home was dreadful. Cracked Rear View Mirror, Extreme and other various 90's artists being the soundtrack home didn't help much either.
Alas, I'm back in Portland... back to the real world. Or the new real world, right? Time to get back into my routine and be hopeful that whatever magic or romance we were creating these past weeks continues; but that would require one of us trying, reaching out and taking a chance. You don't know that aspect of being a grown-up when you're young; the being hurt and afraid to obtain togetherness. Being afraid of trying something you want. Not something you don't - something you know would be significant.
"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are those 'It might have been.'"
- John Greenleaf Whittier