Opposite of Loneliness

Right when I think I'm drowning in my own professional and personal woes, an article comes across my desk top and humbles me. This 22 year old, Yale graduate's last printed article. It was printed in a special edition for the graduation ceremony... she died within days in a car accident.
Thank you Marina for reminding me that I need to keep my head up, that things are not out of my control and that I need to remember that I can make a positive change in my life. RIP Marina Keegan, Yale graduate 2012.

The piece below was written by Marina Keegan '12 for a special edition of the News distributed at the class of 2012's commencement exercises last week. Keegan died in a car accident on Saturday. She was 22.
We don’t have a word for the opposite of loneliness, but if we did, I could say that’s what I want in life. What I’m grateful and thankful to have found at Yale, and what I’m scared of losing when we wake up tomorrow and leave this place.


It’s not quite love and it’s not quite community; it’s just this feeling that there are people, an abundance of people, who are in this together. Who are on your team. When the check is paid and you stay at the table. When it’s four a.m. and no one goes to bed. That night with the guitar. That night we can’t remember. That time we did, we went, we saw, we laughed, we felt. The hats.


Yale is full of tiny circles we pull around ourselves. A cappella groups, sports teams, houses, societies, clubs. These tiny groups that make us feel loved and safe and part of something even on our loneliest nights when we stumble home to our computers — partner-less, tired, awake. We won’t have those next year. We won’t live on the same block as all our friends. We won’t have a bunch of group-texts.


This scares me. More than finding the right job or city or spouse – I’m scared of losing this web we’re in. This elusive, indefinable, opposite of loneliness. This feeling I feel right now.


But let us get one thing straight: the best years of our lives are not behind us. They’re part of us and they are set for repetition as we grow up and move to New York and away from New York and wish we did or didn’t live in New York. I plan on having parties when I’m 30. I plan on having fun when I’m old. Any notion of THE BEST years comes from clichéd “should haves...” “if I’d...” “wish I’d...”


Of course, there are things we wished we did: our readings, that boy across the hall. We’re our own hardest critics and it’s easy to let ourselves down. Sleeping too late. Procrastinating. Cutting corners. More than once I’ve looked back on my High School self and thought: how did I do that? How did I work so hard? Our private insecurities follow us and will always follow us.


But the thing is, we’re all like that. Nobody wakes up when they want to. Nobody did all of their reading (except maybe the crazy people who win the prizes…) We have these impossibly high standards and we’ll probably never live up to our perfect fantasies of our future selves. But I feel like that’s okay.


We’re so young. We’re so young. We’re twenty-two years old. We have so much time. There’s this sentiment I sometimes sense, creeping in our collective conscious as we lay alone after a party, or pack up our books when we give in and go out – that it is somehow too late. That others are somehow ahead. More accomplished, more specialized. More on the path to somehow saving the world, somehow creating or inventing or improving. That it’s too late now to BEGIN a beginning and we must settle for continuance, for commencement.


When we came to Yale, there was this sense of possibility. This immense and indefinable potential energy – and it’s easy to feel like that’s slipped away. We never had to choose and suddenly we’ve had to. Some of us have focused ourselves. Some of us know exactly what we want and are on the path to get it; already going to med school, working at the perfect NGO, doing research. To you I say both congratulations and you suck.


For most of us, however, we’re somewhat lost in this sea of liberal arts. Not quite sure what road we’re on and whether we should have taken it. If only I had majored in biology…if only I’d gotten involved in journalism as a freshman…if only I’d thought to apply for this or for that…


What we have to remember is that we can still do anything. We can change our minds. We can start over. Get a post-bac or try writing for the first time. The notion that it’s too late to do anything is comical. It’s hilarious. We’re graduating college. We’re so young. We can’t, we MUST not lose this sense of possibility because in the end, it’s all we have.


In the heart of a winter Friday night my freshman year, I was dazed and confused when I got a call from my friends to meet them at EST EST EST. Dazedly and confusedly, I began trudging to SSS, probably the point on campus farthest away. Remarkably, it wasn’t until I arrived at the door that I questioned how and why exactly my friends were partying in Yale’s administrative building. Of course, they weren’t. But it was cold and my ID somehow worked so I went inside SSS to pull out my phone. It was quiet, the old wood creaking and the snow barely visible outside the stained glass. And I sat down. And I looked up. At this giant room I was in. At this place where thousands of people had sat before me. And alone, at night, in the middle of a New Haven storm, I felt so remarkably, unbelievably safe.


We don’t have a word for the opposite of loneliness, but if we did, I’d say that’s how I feel at Yale. How I feel right now. Here. With all of you. In love, impressed, humbled, scared. And we don’t have to lose that.


We’re in this together, 2012. Let’s make something happen to this world.

Fun.

I saw Fun. tonight at the Roseland Theater. Two things, one - sorry for the lack of photos and footage  - my freakin' camera battery pooped out on me. And two - not that impressed. I love this band - I really want to see them once they travel more or if they're feuding to get over it. Musically talented, great lyrics - they just didn't seem to be jiving on stage together.


Or it was the hundreds of 8th graders that were screeching in the 'general admission' section. (Grumble)

Shell Bell's Birthday Bash

The beautiful hooping goddess, Ms. Shell Bell, hosted a jam, picnic, slack rope and hoop session at a local park. So much fun.

 Eddy showing his hoop support and wishing the birthday girl a happy birthday

 Beejan giving it his all.

 Do you think enough hoopers showed up?

 Ryan making friends with the Flag Football people. 

 Random LARP battle. It was epic. 

Ryan's car mascot.

 The gang. 

Me with the birthday girl.

Montel Williams

Best. Text. Ever. From. My. Killer. Katie.

Ring. Ring. "Hi Father..."

My father is a Jehovah's Witness. This is the weekend of the District Convention. For you non-J Dubs, this is sorta a big deal. Not as big as Passover, but these three day conventions are where thousands of folks in the same religious sect can get together, hear speakers from all over the U.S. preach and just be in the company of one another. It's very awesome, I think. These people leave generally feeling very spiritually strong, empowered and closer to Jehovah and Jesus. Maybe even feel better connected to their families, friends and any others attending. Kudos for them - what a wonderful community builder. This year's convention theme "Safeguard Your Heart!" 
I really appreciate how my father tells me, "Now, this isn't your literal heart, Hayley. It's your spiritual heart."

Ahhhh... Thanks - couldn't have figured that one out on my own, Pops. 

The last J-Dub event I attended was in high school, I think it was the 2001 Passover. My guilt of leaving the religion truly only stemmed from disappointing my father, but now that I've matured and been able to separate my life and what I consider happiness and fulfillment vs what my father's definition of what happiness and fulfillment is, I can approach sermons, services, conventions and holidays very differently.

The key-note speaker is on Sunday. I think I'll attend. It's super important to my Dad and truly, I dig on religious talks. I like being in different environments and listening to crowd mentality and group thought - it's interesting to me. I'm not anti-religion, nor anti-J Dub - I'm just not a believer. I find more comfort in knowing that my eternal soul will not be judged by my actions spent on this planet, rather I'll judge myself while living presently. I'm proud of how my morals and sense of right and wrong, good and bad, smart and stupid have developed with the influence of the Kingdom Hall in my early years, and the influence of amazing people (those including some awesome freaks, homos, pets, Muslims, creative artsy types and all other walks of life that have yet to be labeled), and out of good ol' fashioned life livin' experience. 


If someone finds their psychological strength to hold them self to an ethical guideline and that is self imposed by the teachings in the Bible or other religious publications - who fucking cares? Who fucking cares if they call that psychological strength "faith"? If you're a good person; great. I don't care where or how you learn to be a good person, just fucking be a good person.


I spent 43 minutes on the phone with my father; discussing how radically close we are to the ends of this Satonic world. The rise of murder-suicide in families, depression and probably any other "sign" he could grasp to prove, once again, we are in the end of days here. He finds great comfort in knowing the end is soon. Yet, he has 8 children, none are Witnesses. His wife is not a J-Dub. I used to bring that up but I think it truly saddens him. So... I'm happy that he has this bond, this connection with other Brothers and Sisters in the Hall. That he has a personal relationship with Jehovah and his son, Jesus Christ. I'm happy that he keeps his mind processing as he studies the bible and other publications. He creates questions and speeches all around this topic - trust me, it's never ending.

What the hell, right? I think I'll attend. If I do, I'll make sure to write a post about it.

This man exist.

I want a man to kiss me.

I want him to linger in my gaze, run his fingers through my hair.

I want to feel the excitement of not being the one to make the first move.

I want to smell his cologne and beer on his breath,

I want to feel his hands pull me close and the electricity run through my bones.

I want the rush.

The tingle.

The heat.

The passion.

I want to want more – and give in.

I want to forget where I am.

I want to forget if people are around.

I want a man to make the world melt away.

I know this man exist. This man is looking for me.

If you know him – tell him where I am. 

You might live in SE Portland if...

Your living room doubles as a bike repair space.

Zuckerberg weds

I guess only billions makes him smile... not marrying the love of his life. 

Another good night

Thank you Open Mic Night for letting me do my thing. One of these times, I'll get someone to actually record it so I can post the shit out of myself. 

Ladies Night

"You put da lime in da coconut and drink it all up..."

Thank-you Dre, Ani, Melissa, Bailey, Tika, Katrina & Killer. You girls are the most uplifting, creative, thoughtful human beings I know.

Y.O.L.O.

YOLO = You Only Live Once.
Thank you, lil' brother for your service. I cannot wait till you're home safe. I cannot wait to hear you laugh, have you bust my balls and take you out officially for your 21st birthday (ahem, long over due since it was May 2011). I just cannot wait to have you be out of harms way so I won't have this crazy, sad, scared feeling in the pit of my stomach every day anymore. Love you.

Ben is the top arc of the first "O".

Dan Savage, thank you.

From today's Gender Mender in the Mercury.

"We don't have to be perfectly healthy or issue-free before entering into a relationship, of course. If that were the standard, no one would ever be in a relationship. However, we do have to be in relatively good working order..."

This made me very happy. So simple, so true.

I went out to dinner last night and the guy sat across from me, stating he has me all figured out. That I have my defenses up. That I'm one of those women that thinks she doesn't need a man... I felt bombarded. I'm completely shutting down from this guy, thinking "This is our second time hanging out... I'm not that easily defined."

Perhaps I'm not making myself 100% available. I am not a woman that throws herself at men (or a man) or makes it that easy to lock me down. I rarely worship every word someone says, so I guess if this guy thinks I'm not letting him in and I'm one of those women that just doesn't need a man maybe it's because he sucks.

Portland's Prom!

Nostalgia

Tiger Bar with my Sexie Lexie.

Cinco de Mayo 2012

Whew... I worked a full day! Started off sampling at Oregon City Liquor store, headed to Kenton Station, than Janzten Beach Bar & Grill and ended the evening at Splash!