Friday, July 30, 2010

Glory Box cover

My buddy David does a great cover (w/his ukulele!) of Glory Box by Portishead.

I'm so tired of playing
Playin' with this bow and arrow
I gonna give my heart away
Leave it to the other girls to play
For I've been a temptress too long

Just give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be a woman
I just wanna be a woman

From this time unchained
We're all lookin' at a different picture
Through this new frame of mind
A thousand flowers could bloom
Move over and give us some room, yea

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be a woman
I just wanna be a woman

So don't you stop, being a man
Just take a little look
From our side when you can
Show a little tenderness
No matter if you cry

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be a woman
I just wanna be a woman
'Cause it's all I wanna be is all a woman, yea

For this is the beginning of forever and ever
Its time to move over
So tired of playing

So tired of playing
Playin' with this bow and arrow
I gonna give my heart away
Leave it to the other girls, to play
For I've been a temptress too long

Just give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

5k questions part ii

51. Make up a definition for the following silly words...
Fruitgoogle: an over priced cocktail in Vegas
Ambytime: what I do before bed
Asscactus: drunk + falling in bark dust

52. What was the last thing you made with your own hands?
chicken gyros

53. What was your favorite toy as a child?
hands down - BARBIE!!

54. How many TV’s are in your house?
Two; bedroom and living rm.

55. What is your favorite thing to do outside?
So much - hike, camp, walk my dog, do my homework...

56. How do you feel when you see a rainbow?
No different than how I feel about a rainbowless sky.

57. Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true?
I swear I dreamed the plot of LOST years ago...

58. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader?
Yes... many times.

59. What is your idea of paradise?
Living in the city but still have a yard, being able to walk or ride my bike just about everywhere I need, a true separation of church and state, coming home to someone I love and trust, cars don't pollute, no one goes hungry and everyone has the opportunity at a higher education and has health insurance.

60. Do you believe in god and if so what is he/she/it like?
I think God is real to those who need him/her.

61. Do you believe in Hell?

62. What one thing have you done that most people haven't?
Loved... truly loved someone.

63. What is the kindest thing you have ever done?
I don't know.

64. Are you a patient person?
Eek... ask my co-workers and friends.

65. What holiday should exist but doesn't?
Attend Religious Services Outside of Your Own and Try to Learn a Bit of Tolerance Day. (Jess, I'm keeping your answer).

66. What holiday shouldn't exist but does?
No opinion, sorry.

67. What's the best joke you ever heard?
A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Do ya know we have a drink named after you?" The grasshopper says, "You got a drink named Steve?"

68. Where is the most fun place you have EVER been?
Don't know - I bring the fun everywhere I go.

69. Is your hair natural or dyed?
Very dyed.

70. Do you have any deep dark secrets or are you pretty much up front?
I'd like to say yes but I don't think so.

71. What is under your bed right now?
the floor - I sleep on a mattress on the floor.

72. If you were in the Land of Oz would you want to live there or go home?
Oz would be fun for awhile, but I love P-town.

73. If you drive do you frequently speed?
Not really... maybe a little on the freeway but I'm pretty good at driving the posted limit.

74. What is the world's best song to dance to?
Dancin' in the dark.

75. What song was on the last time you danced with someone?
I dance alone... in front of the mirror... and when it's gettin' hott-in-herre I will ask if my butts lookin' big.

76. Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers?

77. What is the first animal you would run to see if you went to the zoo?

78. Would you consider yourself to be romantic?
Ahhh... it's my curse - YES!

79. If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off?
No, just one side would be in the darkness while the other in daylight. (Gravity still applies).

80. What is the one thing that you love to do so much that you would make sacrifices to be able to do it?
My education.

81. If you (and everyone) had to lose one right or freedom, but you could pick which one everyone had to lose, what would you pick?
Whoa... I don't think I can answer this. I can't take the rights away from anyone.

82. If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole?

83. Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television?

84. What do you think makes someone a hero?
Perhaps it's like pornography: you know it when you see it. (again, Jess, I'm keeping your answer).

85. What cartoon would you like to be a character in?

86. Name one thing that turns your stomach:
Child abuse.

87. What was the last thing you paid for?
Groceries at Safeway tonight.

88. Are you a coupon clipper?

89. Get anything good in the mail recently?
Jess sent me shot glasses.

90. Which would you rather take as a gym class...dancing, sailing, karate, or bowling?

91. In Star Trek people 'beam' back and forth between different places. What this means is they stand in a little tube and their molecules are deconstructed and sent to another tube somewhere else where they are reassembled. Only problem is when the molecules are deconstructed the person is dead. When they are put back together it is only a clone that has all the dead person's memories. So...Is the person who gets beamed the same person on both ends?

92. What insects are you afraid of?
I'm not a big fan of flying things, but I'm not afraid of them.

93. If you could print any phrase on a T-shirt, what would it say?
I love David Grohl.

94. What's the most eccentric thing you have ever worn?
I have worn some pretty crazy things... I did a runway show for "Neon" - a very wild boutique in Portland.

95. If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how much you weigh, what food would it be?
BBQ short ribs.

96. What are your parents interested in?
Father: Jehovah, The Eagles, bbq. Mother: I have no idea.

97. Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet? Have you ever caught and tamed a wild animal?
No bugs, but I've nursed a few baby birds before.

98. What is more helpful to you, wishes or plans?

99. When do you feel your life energy the strongest?
after a good night's rest... which rarely happens.

100. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you bring?
a. A tent
b. A sleeping bag.
c. baby wipes.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

5k questions (let's get this started)

Thanks Jess - I will try to post my answers as you post yours.

1. Who are you?
Hayley. Born in Vancouver, WA - I think. I don't remember, it was really early in my life (like the minute I was here). I'm a people-person who finds myself alone a lot b/c I'm not very good at making good friends. I would really, sincerely like to meet someone who is as honest and life-loving as myself. I love my two dogs - they've been with me through everything ones goes through from 17-26. My super favorite things are live comedy, reading Grisham and Scottoline, crossword puzzles, sudoku, telling and hearing really offensive jokes and meditating. I think I'd be a better cook if I actually cooked, but George Foreman and his glorious grill have made my life so much simpler. I had my heart seriously broken earlier this year and am on the mend - a soul searching mend. I want to find a good man, an honest man. A man who won't use my support, dedication and finances as a stepping stone in his personal path of self destruction. I plan on mending first, then opening myself up to dating.

I have a shit-load of siblings (four brothers, four sisters). Not really close to any of them, really only like a few of them. My parents are well... my parents. I never really had a bond with my mother and what little relationship we had perished when my parents separated when I was 15. The only reason I have a relationship with my father is because I was the oldest daughter in the household, so we had to start talking. He's a religious man, and I am not. I love him because he's my Dad. I think it's a wonderful thing for the people in this world who get to have a family connection - I am ok with not being one of those people. But I still find it hard to not get involved in my family drama.

I've been at school (college) for a little over a year now. I'm working on all my prerequisites for Nursing school. Wish me luck! Sometimes it feels like I'll never reach the light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm determined.

2. What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you?
a. I'm passionate about most things and people in my life.
b. I don't believe religion determines the good and bad people of this world; how you treat the neighbor you don't know and your best friend at every encounter reveals your true nature.
c. I have survived everything thrown at me - even if during the struggles I felt like I was drowning, I am here and that fact alone makes me feel like I need to be doing more to balance out my luck.

3. When you aren't filling out 5,000 question surveys like this one what are you doing?
Sitting at my PC, listening to the sounds of the neighborhood and my ceiling fan.

4. List your classes in school from the ones you like the most to the ones you like the least (or if you are out of school, think of the classes you did like and didn't like at the time).
Currently, I'm really enjoying my psychology class. I despise my aerobics class - not because I don't like the aerobics, I think the instructor is clueless and feel like I've wasted my money.

5. What is your biggest goal for this year?
To stop thinking about him and the dog he has that we got together.

6. Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Working as a nurse maybe in Portland or elsewhere... east coast? Abroad?

7. What stage of life are you in right now?
The "working my ass off" stage.

8. Are you more child-like or childish?

9. What is the last thing you said out loud?

10. What song comes closest to how you feel about your life right now?
Laura Jensen's "Single Girls"

11. Have you ever taken martial arts classes?
Kick boxing - cardio and the real kind.

12. Does your life tend to get better or worse or does it just stay the same?
It is full of peaks and valleys, but overall gets better.

13. Does time really heal all wounds?
No. Working on bettering yourself does.

14. How do you handle a rainy day?
I live in Portland - I keep an umbrella in my backpack, car, at my desk...

15. Which is worse...losing your luggage or having to sort out tangled holiday lights?
Luggage - way more important.

16. How is your relationship with your parents? Will you miss them when they are gone?
Hmmm... to think of them not being alive makes me very sad but I do not miss them now and they are not in my life. I guess I don't want them (or myself) dying before things that need to be said, are said.

17. Do you tend to be aware of what is going on around you?
Yes - but if I accept that reality is a whole other ball game.

18. What is the truest thing that you know?
Life goes on. With or without you.

19. What did you want to be when you grew up?
A stunt woman.

20. Have you ever been given a second chance?
Never asked for one.

21. Are you more of a giver or a taker?

22. Do you make your decisions with an open heart/mind?
I make my decisions based on the heart of the matter. I wish I used my head more - who cares about it being open, I just want to make smarter choices.

23. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you?
When I was hospitalized for the flu. Pain and dehydration so drastic I lost consciousness.

24. What is the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to you?
Words spewed from my mother and ex best friends... years of avoidance from my mother... lies, manipulations and acts of selfishness from my ex boyfriend.

25. Who have you hugged today?
I hugged my dogs.

26. Who has done something today to show they care about you?
Umm... someone thought of me and invited me to the Providence Bridge Pedal.

27. Do you have a lot to learn?
Yes. About everything.

28. If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by working what would they be?
a. all the anatomy and physiology required for my degree.
b. sing the way I dream I could.
c. and to learn that in spite of everything, believe that all people are really good at heart (Anne Frank)

29. Which do you remember the longest: what other people say, what other people do or how other people make you feel?
How they make me feel.

30. What are the key ingredients to having a good relationship?
Humor, honesty and passion in between the sheets

31. What 3 things do you want to do before you die?
Can't think or pick just three.

32. What three things would you want to die to avoid doing?
a. Someone else die because of my error or misjudgement.
b. lose my younger brother while he so bravely fights for reasons he's been told to fight for.
c. ...

33. Is there a cause you believe in more than any other cause?
I don't think I could narrow it to just one. I feel strongly about violence against women, child abuse, hunger and the environment.

34. What does each decade make you think of:
The 1920's: stock market crashes, boozing and jazz.

30's: Wizard of Oz, The Depression, Owens at the Olympics, WWII

40's: women in the American workforce, WWII

50's: rock n'roll, gender roles, the birth of the American Dream

60's: Martin Luther King Jr, Kennedy, even better rock n'roll, Elvis, Beatles

70's: Disco, bell bottoms, gas crisis

80's: majority of my siblings born, I'm born, horrible fashion, punk rock

90's: my childhood, Oprah, I become an aunt

2000: 9-11, Y2K scare, bye-bye pagers, hello cell phones, my parents divorce, I graduate high school

2010's: oil spill in the Gulf, I return to college, I start all over

35. Which decade do you feel the most special connection to and why?
Probably the 90's b/c I lived through them.

36. What is your favorite oldie/classic rock song?
There is no way I can pick one song or even one singer/band either.

37. What country do you live in and who is the leader of that country? If you could say any sentence to the current leader of your country what would it be?
USA - Obama and please sir, get our troops outta there! There is no just cause.

38. What's your favorite TV channel to watch in the middle of the night?
I have Netflix.

39. What Disney villain are you the most like and why?
Sorry, I'm not a villain.

40. Have you ever been a girl scout/boy scout?

41. If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat?

42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night?
It's all about light source and what us humans call blue. Scattering light and all - and it's dark b/c the sun is below the horizon at that time.

43. What does your name mean?
It is of Old English origin, and the meaning of Hayley is "hay meadow". Place name. May possibly be from the Norse word "haela", meaning "hero". Made famous by actress Hayley Mills in the 1960s. And I am named after Hayley Mills.

44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space?
Ugh - neither. How about the great outdoors? Wilderness rocks!

45. Word association. What is the first word that comes to mind when you see the word:
Air: breath
Meat: steak
Different: odd
Pink: liver
Deserve: work
White: socks
Elvis: king
Magic: fun
Heart: life source
Clash: band
Pulp: orange juice

46. If you could meet any person in the world who is dead who would you want it to be?
Martin Luther King Jr.

47. What if you could meet anyone who is alive?
David Grohl

48. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday?
Rent, Sex and the City, Iron Giant, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

49. You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week. What do you bring to do?
the instructions manual so I could get the hell out

50. Have you ever saved someones life or had your life saved?
I pulled a little girl out of the street in Down Town Portland once... without a doubt she would have been hit by a car.

Until next time...

running in Portland

(standing in the OMSI parking lot, looking at the West side)

Took a vacation day - just have class. Woke up late but still decided to run the Water Front Loop (3 miles, Hawthorne Bridge to Steel Bridge). Parked at OMSI and took off. I haven't ran in so, so long. I guess the excuses I use are I don't have a good sports bra (and any lady with Ds or bigger sincerely knows this is not a joke), I'd rather just do the stair machine (but I end up not doing the stair machine). No excuses this morning. After rafting this weekend and feeling so self conscious about my body, not running was not an option.

I did 3 miles in 34 minutes. Ideally, I want my jogging mile to be between 8-9 minutes. Gotta start somewhere :)

Saturday, July 24, 2010


Ok, I faced a fear - I can't swim and feel really anxious around water.
Maupin, OR.
(I'm wearing the trucker hat)

Monday, July 19, 2010


Why can't I "un"friend him? He isn't directly doing a thing to hurt or irritate me. I know it's not healthy to torture myself, in this way, by looking daily for an updated picture of my dog, er, his dog. Review his status to see if it reports that he's out of town or consumed with errands (and that's why he hasn't followed through with wanting to meet up once he returned State side).

But did he ever follow through... with anything he ever said he would... to me? No.

There you have it.

I do it to myself. I'm not sad - all the time. I feel like I'm doing what everyone has told me to do; fake it till you make it. You're not happy, act happy. Keep yourself busy to not think about the shit and pretty soon the shit won't matter.

When is this suppose to happen exactly? Four months? Six? A year? Let me guess, it's different for everyone.


I'll just continue keeping myself "busy." Actively not thinking about what I'm not suppose to be thinking about. It's been five and a half months. What hurts is I don't miss him like I used to. I'm crushed, grieving and down right sad that the man I loved and supported and dedicated myself to is slowly turning into this foreigner. Every one of his smiles or gestures; the sound of his voice, his natural scent - all of it - did I make it more special then it really was? This really selfish and manipulative person is new to me. Where's the man I loved? I wonder if he once was all these amazing things or did I hype him up because I wished so much for him to be all these things?


Getting out of town will help me. I really do believe that. I'm going out of my comfort zone this weekend. I'm rafting. I can't swim and have some serious anxiety about water in it's natural setting, but I'm doing it. And not only that, I'm going camping with about 30 strangers. I'm car camping with my buddy but we're joining a group at this resort and my hopes are to meet new people and shake things up.

I desperately want to better understand the world around me, and the people around me. I want to believe people when they show me who they are instead of wishing them into someone they are not. I am the only one to blame for my disappointment and sorrow after they leave. I thought I was more realistic and grounded then this.

Love by Roy Croft

I love you
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.
I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.
I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can't help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find
I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple.
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.
I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good.
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.
You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Cuz That's What Single Girls Do

Sand in the City

Yup - it's that time of year. It's the 15th Annual Sand in the City in Portland, OR. Roughly 450 tons of sand is dumped in Pioneer Square and wonderful artist design sand art. Enjoy.

Friday, July 16, 2010

magic 8 ball, what does my future hold?

Got the gigantic information packet from University of Portland for transferring nursing students. OMG... it's insane how each State/University/Private school offering their services for me to obtain my RN have very different pre-reqs! If I had my pick (and could not only afford my school of choice but realistically just go to school for two years after PCC), I'd be going to OHSU. The reality of my situation is something I'm accepting - who knows, Oprah could send me $100K for school and cost of living or I could win the lottery - but I started looking for other options. University of Portland seems to suit my needs. I haven't taken a tour of the campus or met any advisors in person, but I am still a year away from applying as a transfer student.

I like their location, their reputation, and their general student appreciation and support (everything I've absorbed through online research and speaking on the phone with people).

But I'm an over planner and want to make sure I'm on track. I knew I had to up my math credentials, (damn you statistics!!) and I would have to get some foreign language credits but literature and history? My writing compositions classes aren't enough? I FREAKING SCORED As IN BOTH WR121 and WR122!! Blarg. I feel like I have to completely re-assist my next year at PCC. Take classes I haven't even considered and really start looking at my finances - and start doing some serious saving.

How can you start saving when you live paycheck to paycheck? In the pit of my stomach I feel like I'm going to have to get rid of my car and get something much cheaper, aka, older. Alas, I have a year to figure shit out before I start filling out transfer applications. But it's exciting to know that I have year of school behind me. Silver lining, right?

When will I touch this light at the end of this very, very dark tunnel?

Thursday, July 8, 2010

working out for weight loss: where I'm at and what I'm thinking

I hate to admit it but I'm starting to get burnt out. Between work and school and working out - I can't fall asleep and then I can't wake up. Ugh.

I feel like I'm working out so hard (and smart), my diet could use improvement (need variety and more veggies) but the weight loss isn't coming along as quickly as I'd like. I've lost 6.5 pounds in the 8 weeks I've been working out. That's less then a pound a week. The positive thing to focus on is I'm consistently losing weight each week. I've gone down one size and can absolutely see a difference (and feel a difference) in my body.

My work out schedule since June 21st (roughly 2.5 weeks ago, when summer term started), I do dance aerobics for 90 minutes on Mondays and Wednesdays. I go to an hour long class at 24 Hour Fitness on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. I'm not lifting because I'm so exhausted - it's a battle just to find the strength/endurance to finish the 24 Hour Fitness classes, let alone try to lift. I'm hoping my body will start to feel strong and I'll break through my plateau and start hitting a weight loss of 1-2 pounds a week till I hit my goal. I would like to be at my healthy and ideal weight of 135 pounds by fall term (late September), but at this current rate I'm losing weight, I won't be there.

I have a rafting/camping trip in two weeks that I'm anxious about wearing a bathing suit and of course my Vegas trip the last weekend in August. But I really try not to think about these trips - I just want to train my body so I'll be better at maintaining an ideal weight - instead of all the up and down I've done all my life!

I'll update you in a few weeks to see if things have changed.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Springwater Corridor

Uh... so I guess in April the Springwater Corridor from 174th/Jenne Road to 7th/Spokane has sporadic closures. Hmmm... yeah, I found out the hard way. I blew off math class to go for a ride, my heart was set on riding to OMSI on such a beautiful night, hopefully take some pictures and just clear my mind, but was met by a few closures. The first two weren't a big deal - clearly marked detours on non-motorized streets but I got to the 32nd and Johnson Creek blvd section and BAM!! No signs. Road blocks. Cars zooming each and every way. I bust out my map, think I'm going the smartest route - MORE DETOURS!! I ask a few cyclist passing by, "where's the Springwater Corridor connection?" - they point behind them as they ride along. I do a few turns, nearly fall off my bike due to the f*cking gravel and broken up sidewalks; get pissed and head home.

I googled info for the closures and it seems like everyone is pissed that the city didn't notify the cyclist well enough.

Boo Portland. Big fat boo.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

F*ck Miley Cyrus

I'm working a UFC promotion tonight that requires me to wear a short, denim skirt. Well, I DON'T OWN A DENIM SKIRT!! I'm 26 years old and can honestly say short jean skirts are never flattering on adult women - they're adorable on pre-teens that wear them with tights and colorful tops.

So I run to Walmart because 1) I know they cater to women dressing like pre-teens and 2) they're cheap.

The ONLY brand of jean skirts they have in the junior section - that are mini denim skirts is of course MILEY CYRUS! I'm a standard size 8 but in the Miley Cyrus world - I'M A FREAKIN' SIZE 15!! Miley makes mini denim skirts up to size 20, and this is the JUNIOR SECTION!

Arg. The skirt was $10 and it fits. WTF ever. This is just another reason why women shouldn't get tied up in what size they are. I'm an 8 at the GAP and a 15 in Miley Cyrus' line.

Friday, July 2, 2010

The Great Eight

Stolen from Jessica's page.

1. What is your favorite board/party/card game?
I'm addicted to (easy) cross word puzzles and Sudoku. I don't go a single day without wasting time on one.

2. What is your earliest memory?
I don't know... I have memories of playing house with my older brother Mark, learning the running-man from my older sister... random events that I can't attach a date to.

3. If you could witness one event that occurred prior to your birth, what would it be?
Michael Jackson performing the Moon Walk live for the first time at the Motown 25th Anniversary celebration.

4. What is your favorite curse word?
The classic fuck. It's so powerful and miscellaneous.

5. What is your main fault?
That my self-worth is on a dramatic sliding scale.

6. What turns you on?
Whoa! It's been so long, I don't know if I remember, LOL. Confidence. Humor. Openness. And all that tall, dark and handsome stuff.

7. What is your idea of misery?
The Golf+oil+government taking their sweet ass time.

8. What do you wish you knew more about?
What makes me tick and why certain things tick me off.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri

This is a big "F*CK YOU" to all the Justin Bobbys of the world. I'm 75% there... I just love connecting and healing through music. Enjoy :)

No I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel all right
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running around leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are
Who do you think you are
Who do you think you are