Saturday, February 27, 2010

learning a lesson

I've been experiencing waves of different emotions these past few weeks. Based on my history, I've been really strong even though I feel anxiety and sadness a lot.

Sad about the end of the relationship, about not being able to have Serena, my wonderful apartment - all the every day things I cherish. I'm anxious about my future, about who's going to be looking out for Andrew - that's the one that I talked most about with Dr. Preece last week.

I have spent so much of this past year supporting him, his work, his efforts to further his career, encouraging him whenever he spoke of sobriety. I was so caught up in him and making sure I was being a positive voice, his rallying crew that I was forgotten.

My project is to whenever I'm feeling guilty or sad or ________ about no longer being there for Andrew, I'm supposed to stop worrying about him, and start thinking about my needs. I haven't been to a meeting (Al-Anon) in months but this topic is a major source of discussion.

The obligation one puts on them self to be the "strong one" or better described as the enabler, feels a sense of failure when the person they love is losing the battle of addiction and they finally say enough is enough and pull them self out of the situation. I'm feeling that.

I gave every piece of myself to Andrew and to the fight to get him sober and take the steps to deal with his depression and neither of us considered my needs. And I'm feeling ashamed, slightly embarrassed, sadness and tired.

Ashamed that I allowed myself to be #2 to both of us.
Embarrassed that I kept making excuses to keep him in my life, even when he was obviously not invested in us.
The sadness and feeling tired is due to a year of letting things be too much.

I think most people (women) my age who are single or just came from a bad relationship feel this sense of the clock ticking. Not necessarily in the baby-making department, but more of where is he?

I want to be married. Not this very moment, but I've known for a number of years that I am a person who wants to be married and have a family and relatively, I want this all to happen before I'm 35. Well, sincerely I wanted the marriage and kids to happen in my late 20s, but now it's been pushed to 35. And I get scared that I'm just not good at relationships, for some reason.

It can't all be his fault. I've had two really bad break-ups. Both men I loved tremendously, one I lived with - shared a life with. I'm not writing off men, that's not the issue. The issue is accepting that maybe there's something I'm doing, either in the break down of communication or not realizing that in order for someone to love me, I need to love me all the time! Because I don't.

I'm in my mid-twenties and this is when things are suppose to be settling. I feel emotionally stronger then I ever have in my life. School has been such an amazing means for my self worth. I'm worth an education! I'm worth getting student loans to fulfill my dream and have a successful life, professionally. What I'm struggling with is accepting that I enter relationships thinking about my needs and if this man will be parallel with my needs. Then somewhere along the way, things always lean in his favor and I'm not strong enough to get out. I always hold on to some hope that he'll see me as someone wonderful and appreciate me but that hasn't been the case.

Andrew has left me feeling defeated, heartbroken... I need to lick my wounds, focus on myself and do some maturing. That's what our mid-twenties are for, right?

Friday, February 26, 2010

Spring 2010 term

Ok - all registered! Depending on my grade in BI231, I may re-take it otherwise I'm taking BI232 (Human A&P II), Intro to Psychology (201A), Writing 122 and Gentle Yoga.

I'm looking forward to having a writing class again. I haven't taken one since last summer. The yoga class is for my stress management. I've been told by Dr. Preece and by other Al-Anon members it really helps you focus on yourself, on your body. Something I need to work on.

All classes will be at the Cascade campus starting March 29th. Ahh... a new term means new possibilities!! I can't wait.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Bone Marrow Donor

It came! It came! My Bone Marrow Donor registration/buccal swab kit! A lot of drama in my personal life has been getting me down and to get me out of my lull I seeked out volunteer opportunities. Nothing makes you feel better then making others feel better, right?

My A&P instructor posted volunteer opportunities and do-good-deeds for extra credit on the PCC homepage. I decided to do two; donate blood and join the Bone Marrow Registry List.

Monday, I'm donating blood at the Red Cross Oregon Trail Chapter. Wish me luck, it'll be my first time donating.

I admit, I knew zip about Bone Marrow donation, but it sounded like a good thing. I checked out the link for the National Marrow Donor Program and clicked on donations. At that time, it did not cost a cent to register. Depending on the time of year (due to funding) there could be a charge of $50-$100. I knew the process was painless, buccal swabs (uh, that's rubbing q-tips on the inside of your cheek), send them off and maybe, one day, help someone out who's in a bad situation, medically.

I was feeling gracious and saw that the kit costs $52 to send and process, so that's the amount I donated to the National Marrow Donor Program, (pause for the appropriate nod in approval). That was last week - and today my kit arrived!!

It was much smaller then I thought but hell, how big of an envelope do you need for four, long Q-Tips, right?

Time to start swabbing...

-Make sure the q-tip only makes contact with the inside of your cheek.
-With the same amount pressure you use to brush your teeth, swab for 10 seconds.
-Insert into provided holder.

And return in the envelope provided. Whew! All of five minutes to do something really awesome for someone else.

I'm not one to push people to do things they don't want to do but this is something extraordinary! There's such a need for donors and right now it doesn't cost a penny! But if donating is too personal or weird, why not throw a couple bucks towards a great organization?

I'm feeling better all ready. And of course, I'll let you know if I am ever matched with someone.

Bald Bryan

One of my favorite talk-radio host is Mr. Adam Carolla. I became a Carolla junky in the late 90's; those wonderful middle-school years. I shared a room with my older sister Jessica in those days and when 10pm rolled around, we'd lock the door, turn down the lights and sneak listen to Love Line. With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew Pinsky. Two hours of adolescent-teenaged callers asking questions about sex, STDs, drugs, parents, love, relationships - everything! Throw in the truly every-day-Joe persona of Adam and the charming and dangerously smart Dr. Drew, I don't think I missed a show.

I never felt alone when listening to that show. Never brave enough to call in but always assured that I wasn't the only teenager that was going through the same challenges. The honesty and humor which the entire cast and supporting members of that nightly show practiced reached through the radio waves, into my bedroom and became real. They were my friends. They were who I went to for advice.

Carolla left the show and became a morning radio God! He was the reason I bought a clock radio for work. My drive every morning to work was for him, Teresa and Bald Bryan. When Danny Bonaduce joined the show, it was nearly enough to make me switch stations, but KROQ smartened up and sacked that douche bag.

Even more drama happened when CBS wanted Carolla to move to the East coast; the man has his roots in LA, a family, other jobs - he had to bow out. He has his own podCast and for whatever reason I never subscribed. On random I checked him out today and to my great sadness discovered that a month after his show ended on the radio, the hilarious Bald Bryan was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. Ahhh... my heart sank.

His then fiance, now wife, Christie started a blog. She writes about Bryan and their new life; Bryan fighting cancer, Christie caregiver - together husband and wife. She is honest, funny and after spending way too much time today reading her past entries, I believe I have found a new favorite blog.

Cancer is a bastard. I am so thankful I haven't had a lot of experience dealing with it's toxic force taking over someone dear to me. Please visit her page, donate if you can. These two people deserve a long and happy life together.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

what's that sound?

My flippin' dish washer makes this horrid screeching sound. I'll pound on the door, open it - nothing is blocking the blades, no obvious blockage or anything out of the ordinary - just this terrible, high pitched screeching sound.

Ahh... it's enough to get me to wash the dishes by hand.

Well, almost.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


Ahhh... I treated myself this evening to a wonderful facial by Jennifer at Salon in Vogue. I could have laid on that table forever.

I've never been to this salon; it's the old teaching grounds for the Dosha staff. It was recommended by the Dosha booker. I'm glad she told me about this little gem. I will be returning.

For $45 I received a customized facial, hand massage and scalp massage. It lasted a solid hour. I was brave and allowed Jennifer to extract my face. Now I look like a polka dotted mess; I'm hoping that fades by morning.

I want to slip into bed and sleep till morning but I need to cram a bit for my math exam and pick up; we have an inspection tomorrow by the landlord.

Sleep is awesome

I've been sleeping a lot lately. I find myself in my bedroom around 7pm, reading text books and want to sleep - and could sleep - till my alarm goes off at 6am the next morning. I've considered myself a morning person for a number of years but it takes me nearly 30 minutes to pull myself from my bed to get ready for work.

I think I'm preparing myself for a very busy March. It's the last stretch of school before my much needed Spring Break and I'll be moving. I don't know what to pack because I don't want to pack too early. I'll start the sorting process; figuring what I want to keep or toss or donate.

I also have to really buckle down and start preparing for finals. I have a paper to write, I must improve my A&P grade... I still haven't taken my car in to get the recalled part(s) fixed (accelerator issues, thanks Toyota).

Ugh. It's all so exhausting!

Monday, February 22, 2010

A little bit of good news is still GOOD NEWS!!

I got an apartment.

It's not ready till March 19th, 2010, but it's mine. It's a simple 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom with a small patio and my own washer and dryer.

I need my own space. I need to be in a place where I'm not sharing it with Andrew. Time to start packing and figuring out what I'm keeping, what I'm tossing and what's going to the Goodwill.

To be continued...

Friday, February 19, 2010

To change my major, to not change my major... that is the question

When I applied at PCC, they had me fill out a questionnaire; where do you see yourself in two years? In five years? In ten years?

Two years: finished or finishing my AAS.
Five years: working as a paramedic.
Ten years: finished or finishing my RN.

This week I've been doing a lot of "what do I want?" thinking. Well, I want to be a nurse. I want to work up on the hill, and for you non-Portlanders that's OHSU. Starting Fall 2010 PCC will join OCNE; PCC will be working directly with OHSU to have their ADN (Associate Degree Nurses) go into the BS program at OHSU and actually start working in nursing while earning their BS!! Also, the Stafford loan rates are going as low as 2.9% in 2010!!

This is all very exciting news. Instead of transferring to Concordia or applying for nursing school after starting the PCC program, I would actually be in a program with the very institute I want to work for.

Why wait to earn my bachelors degree? Well, the nursing program is very challenging and demanding. I have doubts if I'm "smart" enough. There's no doubt that I can commit to the study load, but there's a GPA requirement (3.0, but they prefer closer to 4.0), on average 800 people apply each year to the PCC nursing program and only 150 are accepted.

I have till Friday Feb. 26th to decide - the day I register for next term.

Pros and Cons:
Pro: I truly commit to making myself happy and obtain that ultimate dream - nursing.
Con: I've missed the 2010 Nursing Program deadline.
Pro: Because I missed that deadline, I could stretch out the next three terms, only take two or three classes a term, earn my prerequisites at an easier pace and improve my GPA. (currently, I'm a 3.4).
Con: Instead of graduating from PCC in Dec. 2012, I would graduate Dec. 2013.

I have another week of letting all this new information marinate and consider my options. No one can predict the future but I've always wanted to work in nursing. I was intrigued and have absolutely loved my past three terms in Paramedic medicine but why put off my dream? Why return to school after I'm married (hopefully) and maybe working on making a family? If I think juggling school and work is a challenge now, I can't imagine years down the road when I have even more on my plate.

I'll keep you posted.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Fat Tuesday

Face paint was purchased yesterday. I'm not not looking forward to working this evening, I just don't care about anything right now.

He's smoking again.

Well, he smoked last night. I couldn't even cry. Sobriety hasn't taken a backseat, it's exited the car and is non-existent at this point. The hurt runs deeper then disappointment; my heart is exhausted. I made an appointment with my incredibly intelligent and sensitive therapist, Dr. Whitney Preece. She can't get me in till next week but her words always give me strength.

If you believe in God you'd probably tell me this is a test. A test that will make me stronger in the long run. I'm not a big believer in God. But I'm a believer in not being a quitter. I like to think I follow my own rules:
-never quit, but know when to throw in the towel.

I wonder if I should have thrown in the towel when he stepped out on me January 2009? I wonder if I should have thrown in the towel when he went back on everything he promised me in April 2009 and I told him I couldn't live with him? I wonder if I should have thrown in the towel when he promised, yet again, everything I needed to hear and let him move back in June, just to turn around and do the same bullshit to me in September 2009? When do I accept that I shouldn't be so mad at Andrew, but question who I am?

Shame is a beast. But I'm not a quitter.

I have work tonight. I don't feel like going but even more so, I don't feel like going "home" and sitting in the living room, unable to concentrate on my homework by pretending he's not downstairs with our puppy (soon to be his puppy), watching American Idol and feeling relieved he's finally free from this relationship.

Today is Fat Tuesday - the historic day before Lent; let us be merry and eat and do what we please before giving it up to please Jesus for the next 46 days. I don't practice the Lent tradition, but maybe it's symbolic and I need to take notice... maybe I need to give up on putting up with so much garbage from other people.

I don't know. I'm just typing to pass the time today.

Happy Mardi Gras bloggers. Maybe I'll post some pictures later.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

my Sex and the City

I worked today at the Convention Center. It was an easy day besides three of the event staff being creepy. Three dudes followed me around the venue, asking me random questions and trying to flirt (eh, I was so put off). I was thankful I was able to leave early and not have them volunteer to escort me to my car. Other than that, very low key work day.

It's Valentine's Day and I'm single but living with my ex-boyfriend. Things are awkward to say the least. I show my sadness; I cry. He tells me it's important I know that he cares about me and he shows that by going to a concert last night and not returning to the apartment until 6:30am this morning. I know he has no obligation to me anymore, but it felt like he was stickin' it to me. He goes out, goes to a concert and is doing what? My mind can only think of the absolute worst. I sit with these thoughts and my emotions build for hours... all night to be exact. This triggers a highly emotionally charged argument that I start the moment he steps foot into the apartment; and that's how I spent my Valentine's Day morning. I tried to sleep on the couch in the living room, he passed out on the couch in the basement; neither of us wanting to sleep alone in the bed.

For dinner I ordered a pizza and shared it with him. We cordially went to our respectful parts of the apartment; me upstairs to be sad and watch SATC and Andrew to the basement to mess around on his laptop. I could watch this movie none stop right now.

I didn't sleep at all last night, I didn't eat today - I'm exhausted. I have to buy face paint tomorrow during my lunch break b/c I'm face painting the staff at Barracuda for Fat Tuesday. I need all the extra cash I can earn; moving is expensive.

It's so hard being around him. I've never been a person who is capable of hiding their emotions. I cry when I'm sad, yell when I'm pissed; he is the opposite. If he feels something (so he says) he hides it.

I'm majorly bummed. I want to find an apartment so I can grieve. I can't heal with him being in the same residence. Ahhh... back to SATC.

Friday, February 12, 2010


-Monday: fail EMT midterm.
-Tuesday: break up with Andrew.
- Friday: discover that the computer repair store that has my laptop has cleared out, bailed on their lease and has disconnected their phone. Oh yeah, and have kept my $850 laptop and the $389 I paid them to fix it.

I guess I'm filing on Monday with the Multnomah County Courthouse in civil court.

This has been one shitty week.

I can't even cry. I don't want to drink. I want to sleep - I'm exhausted.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

book ends

Andrew and I have decided not to live together anymore and end the relationship. We've been together 2.5 years, we've lived together for 1.5 years; purchased appliances, gotten a dog together, traveled and celebrated holidays and birthdays.

It's been a challenging week. I failed my EMT mid-term Monday night. It knocked the wind out of me, especially since I didn't bomb it - I was well within reach but the school has strict rules in the medical programs what's passing and what's not. I've been removed from the course and must re-enter next term. Disappointing and embarrassing but I'm not a quitter. Financial Aid does not cover repeat courses so I have till the first week of April to come up with six-hundred extra bucks. I'm also moving out and with that comes many extra expenses.

I don't think it's really hit me or I've known (and unable to admit it, maybe?) that since the death of of his father, Andrew's battle with depression has been changing him. I can't soothe that kind of sorrow; 2009 was the year that tested my sanity. I asked Andrew to move out in April only to have him move back in June due to his many promises - none fulfilled.

I'm at a point where I can say out loud I need someone who supports me, believes in me, understands that trust, loyalty, humor and love are vital to me. These maybe important to Andrew but he does not practice them.

He gets Serena. I get Buddy and Sophie.

I want this to happen swiftly. I feel betrayed by my best friend. I feel sad. I feel a bit like a failure (end of the relationship with the stinging bonus of failing the EMT midterm.) But I'm ok... in most ways.

I'm suppose to feel this way - it's sad what has happened. I'm heartbroken that the man I love has decided he needs to be selfish and not be in a relationship. And it's nothing I did or didn't do according to Andrew. He just needs to be selfish.


I guess I should be too.

To be continued...

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I walk the line...

I failed my EMT106 midterm last night. My instructor is giving me an opportunity to review my exam with him on Wednesday to see if there are any errors with the exam or with the scantron b/c I was so close. If my grade stays what it is, I have to restart the program.

I'm numb.

No meltdown - Wednesday will determine my fate on graduating on time.

Wish me luck.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

UPDATE: request denied

It's accounting month end around the office. I am responsible for two accounts; retail (DMV) and wholesales schedules. With year end completed the previous month my January schedules were super clean and I finished my account summaries for both my accounts yesterday. I turned them over to my manager.

Since you're done with month end you can go ahead and leave early Friday for your event.

I thank my manager, leave her office and am stopped by a co-worker.

Is she letting you leave early?

Why all the drama??!?!!! Is it control? Is it PMS? WHAT THE HELL!?!?! I contacted my promoter, told him the good news and all's well that ends well...

I'll be working the Oregon Seafood and Wine Festival Friday Feb. 5th and Sat. Feb. 6th at the Convention Center. I'm hoping for as much success (and more) as last year. Those tips are going to my books next term!!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

numb to V-Day 2010

I haven't been very loyal to my daily photo blog, and I haven't posted here in what, about a week? I feel like I've been so insanely busy but when I try to recall my busy schedule only the usual stuff comes to mind; work, school. So time to write what's on my mind: February 14th.

Valentine's Day is a mere 11 days away. I used to be all about V-Day. The idea that we are encouraged to be silly, er, stupid romantics, giving singing, bedazzled cards, chocolates, panties with names on them was something that captivated me. This year I'm not in the mood. Have I lost the spark?

I hope not.

I would love to be planning out the perfect gift, possibly planning an intimate home dinner with Andrew, make dog-friendly cupcakes for my pack but I'm just not feelin' it. One of the many promotion companies I work for has asked me to work the Yard, Garden and Patio Show at the Convention Center that day - I've agreed. Now, last year I worked V-Day as well. I worked the Monster Truck Show at the Rose Garden. The event was over around 1pm and that gave us plenty of time to pack the dogs in the car and spend an extended weekend at Rockaway Beach.

But that was last year. I feel things have changed for me regarding how I treat myself in the relationships I choose to be in. Valentine's Day 2009 was a weekend getaway band aide. It covered the open wound but unfortunately, it did not heal it.

Looking back a year so much has happened in my life. Therapy, Al-Anon, returning to school, new car, drama at work, drama with Andrew, speaking to my mother (calmly) for the first time in 4.5 years - all of that compacted into 12-months is incredible!! All of that has made me approach this adorable holiday wearing misanthropic glasses. I've matured and with that I've lost my girlish notion of romance.

I'm not so cynical that I'm now saying love doesn't exist - it's just not what I imagined it to be. Devotion is gritty, love is confusing but working through the disappointments and discovering that the one you love has flaws and in spite of those flaws - even if they hurt you, they are still the person you want to make smile and they want to make you smile is something very, very special.

My lack of Valentine's Day enthusiasm is due to the latter of the above. Sometimes I feel like I'm the one of this duo that is trying to make the other smile while he is content with accepting. I want someone who is happy making me happy. I don't feel like celebrating love when I'm the one doing all the planning, the hyping and acknowledging the importance of celebrating said love.

It boils down to this: if he isn't into it, well hell, I won't be either.

Happy flipping Valentine's Day. I'll wait to see if he mentions anything regarding the holiday.

Check back for updates.