Tuesday, August 31, 2010

And the shoe drops... kinda.

I sincerely try to not allow gossip get in the mix of how I feel about someone but I'm human and am not flawless. I heard some news last night about someone I keep in a special place in my heart - my first love. I heard a horrible rumor about him. Well, a mutual friend told me a story that made him not the spectacular, thoughtful, honest young man I remember him to be.

On my drive home that "Listen to your heart..." song (Roxette) starts running through my mind... Something inside me wanted to call him and ask him if it's true. But the reality is he was my high school sweetheart, he's engaged, he's this grown man with his own life that on occasion crosses my path and if he's doing or did what was confided to me, what good would my inquiring do? Who am I to even go there and start questioning what he's doing in his life?

Answer: no one.

We are friendly, but not friends. It was just so harsh to hear that this person I have so many found memories with - I get lost in remembering the sweetness and youthfulness of our teenage love - is actually this real guy, maybe even a scumbag; not some Prince Charming.

Oh well... the old high school gang is meeting up next month for a Pub Crawl. Maybe it'll come up. Maybe it won't. No matter what, I still love thinking back on those sweet times in my life - when love was so pure and love was invincible and we were so stupid to believe that our bond could get us through anything. And now to have that tainted - sorta sucked. Sorta broke my heart all over again... in a different way.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Another Weight Loss Update

Ok, we're at 16 weeks and the grand total I've lost... 11 pounds.

Eh. At least I lost weight while on vacation. That much I'm proud of.


Ok... I don't have better pics, sorry. I spent way too much time having fun and not capturing it on camera. Hopefully once the gang shares the pics, I will have better ones to post.

(pool at the Westin)

(me - poolside)

(sorry, this one's blurry - Jessica, myself and Kaleena outside The Mirage)

($3 in the penny slots, won $12! This is the only gambling I did.)

UPDATE!! More pictures:
(me and Kaleena heading out to the pool)

(Pete and Kaleena heading out to the pool)

(me and Kaleena)

(myself, Jessica and Kaleena on our way to Tao)

(Jessica, myself and Kaleena at Cafe before hitting club Moon)

(heading to the roof top, patio party at club Moon)

(me and Kaleena partying roof top style at club Moon)

(view from the patio/roof top party at club Moon)

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Dating sucks

Conversation with my male friend, age 25. Topic "dating":

him: Yeah, if she wouldn't have put out by the 3rd date, I would have bailed.
me: Really? By my standards, that's kinda slutty... or maybe I'm a prude.
him: Yeah, that's not slutty. How else would I know she's into me?

Dating sucks.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Bearforce 1

'Nuff said.

Sound off

For those of you who aren't familiar with a "sound off" it's when you make a list of shit you are fed up with, shit that annoys you, people that annoy you; it may include past, present or future people, things, conversations, trends, etc. that annoy you. I just woke up from a nap, a nap that stems from feeling generally run down and crappy today. I woke up a bit cranky and totally feel like sounding off. (Ahem...) Here it goes:

1. Gatorade - you play like you're oh so good for me but you're oh so chalked full of carbs and sugars. And yes, I know you come in a low-carb form, but my store rarely keeps the orange in stock. That is the only color, er, flavor I prefer. Gatorade go f*ck yourself.

2. Shaving - nuff said. Shaving - go f*ck yourself.

3. Washing my car - I really need to wash my car. Part of me doesn't mind washing my car but my apartment complex loves to shut off the water to the outside spouts, and not provide me with a hose. Yeah, I could pay $6 and go through the car wash but I don't want to. So, apartment building with no water outside and no hose, go f*ck yourself.

4. Chicken noodle soup - you smell like ass. Go f*ck yourself.

5. Lauryn Hill - COME OUT WITH NEW MUSIC!! (Don't go f*ck yourself. You're cool).

That's all I got. I guess I wasn't as angry as I thought. Peace out.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

American Idol Tour

No, I didn't get to meet anyone cool. No, I didn't even get to watch the concert. But I did sound check and worked with the Karaoke Idol crew :)

Saturday, August 21, 2010

For Sophie, Serena and Buddy

Cops took this way too far

Disturbing. This is alarming. I believe our boys in blue have one of the most stressful jobs out there - protecting society by serving all civilians under a vow to put themselves in danger to keep us from harm.
But than these few break my heart. I hope they are punished because this was assault and I would not feel safe with either of these officers back out on the streets.


A friend I haven't seen in nearly 4 years had a house party/welcome home party this evening. It was absolutely amazing catching up with her.

We talked fast, tried to update the other on our life and lingered only momentarily to discuss the big events... On my drive home I felt exhausted and happy. I wonder why I don't have warm friends like that anymore? Why is it when I think of my friends now, specifically the women I hang out with now, the ones I consider my dearest of friends, I don't feel that level of sincerity? And it sorta just came to me.

They know what Andrew did and they're still friends with him.

On a certain level, that is petty. I'm not asking them not to be friends with him but what is important is not one of them has come over to my place and discussed what went down. I haven't had my girls rally around me. Sadly, whenever I tried, (because I stopped months ago trying to talk about my emotions with them), I was basically told "this shit happens every day" and "you made your bed" type of dialogue would take place. Not very supportive or understanding.

All the while Andrew was being invited over for dinner, pool at the bar, etc. At the time I was so betrayed by this, but for one reason or another, pushed it down and didn't make a big deal of it. I had more important and immediate things to deal with (Where the f*ck to live? Oh my God I'm broke. How can I say goodbye to Serena? Do I stay in school? etc.).

So, for a moment, I put myself in their shoes. If their fella did to them what was done to me, would I still chat with this guy? Invite him to gigs? Rafting trips? Doggy play dates? Barbecues?

I would not.

I would not be mean or uncivil to the guy but I could not respect him because of what he did to my friend. I'm a grown up. I know relationships even non-romantic ones, can be complicated at times. But after talking for hours this evening with my old friends, catching up, feeling their warmth and sincerity; it caught me off guard how much I don't have that with the women that I currently consider my best friends.

There's a part of me that wants to sound off and demand that they give me an explanation for their lack of support and why did they judge me instead of comfort me? I want to know why they still maintain, what appears to be, the same level of friendship/involvement with Andrew? Why am I getting screwed over by my girlfriends?


I don't want my feelings to go unvalidated by the people I love most. Maybe I've been a burden and don't realize it. It's all a mystery right now... I will say that I have some how managed to almost always care most about people who can't seem to answer my questions.

I guess a good blog-sound-off will suffice for now.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

10 things that should happen on a date... that don't anymore

10 Things That Should Happen on a Date... that don't.
-from the female perspective-

1. Open a f*cking door why don'tch'ya! This little act of kindness has fallen by the waist side with most men 25-35 years old. I know we're living in the prime age of independent women, but we still like to be treated like a lady. Open the door, pull out a chair - give it a try, you'll be surprised how much that impresses her (and how much you'll benefit from it).

2. Don't talk about money. Please stop whining about how the economy has taken away your ability to afford your big-boy toys like jet skis or ATVs. Or the flip side - please, please, PLEASE do not boast about how awesome your new car is or your boat house is so friggin' cool. You're rich or you used to be rich. I'm a grown-ass woman that makes my own money. Your money only interests me when (and if) it becomes our money.

3. Don't insult my job. Yeah, maybe I'm doing the bartending thing part time while going to school, or working some lame $9 an hour receptionist job at a Real estate company - I know it sucks. Please don't remind me.

4. No locker room talk, please. I understand that I'm a super cool chick and can banter with the best of men, but when we're on a date, stop with Kobe-rape jokes. They do not put me in the mood for anything but the check.

5. Shut up and stop fidgeting. Why so tense, homie? The guy that has to drink four glasses of water before our appetizers arrive or can't seem to sit friggin' still! What the hell? Do I make you nervous? Do you have something better to do? Stop stressing about what to say or how to sit like a cool guy in a booth or whatever the hell it is that is causing you to stammer and switch your keys and cell phone from pocket to pocket every 30 seconds. You're making things weird.

6. Sex and your ex. Seems pretty obvious, right? Don't talk about the sex you had with the ex (or any ex) whether it was amazing or horrible. It's astonishing how many men get on this topic and don't pick up the hints that it's not cool when all I can add to the conversation is a hesitant: "Ahhh..."

7. Did you look in the mirror before you left? I understand that guys can get away with the jeans, t-shirt look for just about anything. But if I'm putting in the effort to re-apply my make-up, fix my hair and maybe even change my outfit completely after working all day, please wear something other than a Jersey Shores Fist Pumping t-shirt.

8. Don't have a bromance on our date. I'm sure your best bud is awesome. Yeah, that's super rad that you two have been in the same fantasy football league for years and you're dominating, blah blah blah. But do you have to take text messages from him and update me on how hilarious his Facebook status is? I don't date couples, even if you claim to be straighties.

9. Don't compliment my ass or tits. Yeah - this may be a shocker to some dudes out there. Tell me I look pretty or beautiful or I have an amazing smile or gorgeous eyes. Telling me it's hard to concentrate on what I'm saying because my rack is super distracting and it's making your pants tight... that's a sure way to get me to give you an awesome view of my ass - walking away.

10. It's ok to be romantic. Please, bring me flowers or stand when I leave the table - it's exciting when I feel your hand on my back when we're walking to the car, or when you offer me your arm. Nothing makes a lady swoon more than when you put your jacket over my shoulders because you thought I'd be cold. And oh my goodness - ask me to dance! Especially slow dance... and goodnight kisses are sweet but a random kiss on the hand during the date makes me melt.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Slowin' Me Down

My friend Bre is oh so talented... as is her fabulous fiance Justin. Enjoy.

Breanna Paletta and Justin Bennett. Their band is called The Sale.

Monday, August 9, 2010

weight loss update

Ok, we're at week 13 and I've lost 9.5 pounds. Again, disappointing. I was really hoping to lose at least a pound a week, but I'm still losing weight every week. I have 3.5 weeks till my Vegas weekend and I'm hoping I can lose three more pounds by than.

I'm not stressing about it. It's all about positive thinking!!

The even better thing to focus on is at my heaviest (in March of this year), I've lost a total of 14 pounds. I've only been trying to lose weight the past 13 weeks.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

UFC 117 and Holocene

Last night was UFC 117 - no, I wasn't in Oakland, CA to watch it but was able to meet some buddies at Gypsy's to watch it. OMG!! What a great ticket and what a twist in events! I called team Silva going into the fight, but watching him get his ass handed to him for four rounds by local boy hero Sonnen was numbing. Than, wtf happens? Half way through the fourth round Silva remembers he's a fighter and puts Sonnen in an arm bar - now the drama; does Sonnen really tap out or is he just working through the pain and flaring? Truthfully, I don't know. Ref calls it as a submission and Silva wins. I wanted Silva to win from the jump, but not like that. Not by luck. It was disappointing.

Well, the night was young but I had to make a judgement call. The group I was with wanted to check out Holocene, I wasn't too excited about going dancing in SE Portland - that usually means a disco room with like four people. Also, I was going to meet up with Audrey and her fiance this morning (6AM) to do the Portland Bridge Pedal. Alas! What to do? What to do? I do the right thing and text Aud, "would you be mad if I bailed?" She said no. She didn't even get to REI today to pick up our race packets.

Nice. Off to Holocene we go. I was so pleasantly surprised; a smaller venue but just my style. Good house music laced with the usual club and pop music. Not overly priced drinks, a few rooms to lounge in and people watch - and NO COVER! Needless to say, I got home around 2am and am blogging 7hrs later. I'm a trooper.

My head is throbbing from the whiskey sours (the ones from Gyspy's and the ones from Holocene... ugh). But I had a great night. An absolute great night with old friends and a new one. I haven't been out with the boys in ages! This is all about healing and moving forward. Meeting new people and not shutting myself off from socializing just because of what happened with Andrew.

Cheers to taking control and recovering from a broken heart... and this hangover.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

the weird shit my dogs do

-makes love to his fooda (food) - he will take a small mouthful of kibble, bring it to wherever I'm at, drop it on the floor and then roll on it while groaning.

-loves licking anything on anyone, but especially arm pits.

-watches you do anything private - bathroom business, bumping uglies...anything! he doesn't touch, just watches.

-puts himself into a trance, a good, long, hard stare at nothing and will slowly lick the air.

-active dreamer; kicks, whines, barks, yips.

-shreds toilet paper, paper towels, napkins, paper. destroys them when no one is around.

-her cleverness has forced me to baby-proof my apartment. otherwise she gets into cupboards.

-isn't a barker but will puff up her cheeks and push the air out, as if she's trying to actually form words with her doggy lips to speak.

-if you ignore her, she will put her head in your hand... so you can pet her.

Friday, August 6, 2010

5K part iii

101. What does happiness/joy feel like physically?

102. List five people you love starting with the one you love the absolute most.

A. Sophie (my dog)
B. siblings
C. Audrey
D. my ex... I don't know. This question blows.

103. How many movies have you gone to see this month?
To the theater? none this month, but I live for my Netflix.

104. If you could have 3 wishes...but none of them could be for yourself, what would you wish for?
A. World peace.
B. Safe, sustainable food supplies for the entire population.
C. A world-wide system of free communications: whether it be Internet, air travel, etc. We (the world) need to talk to and see each other.

105. In what ways do you relax and de-stress when you are really tense?
Meditation - breathing focus.

106. How much money would it take to get you to drive to school naked in the springtime and get out of the car?
Drive there, get out and get right back in... I'd do that for $100k. I live in Portland, there's naked people everywhere.

107. Have you ever killed an animal?
Yes, I hit a cat once with my car. I felt awful.

108. Have you ever lost someone close to you?

109. What do you think of cloning?
Organ cloning is amazing. Pet and people cloning - part of me says keep doing it till we get it right, but than what? Cloned people, no good-old-fashioned baby making? Lets just clone organs.

110. Do you read or watch TV more often?
Read - b/c of school books, not by choice.

111. With all this talk of terrorism going around are you willing to sacrifice rights and freedoms for increased safety?
My rights? Like waiting in longer lines at the airport and not bringing on any liquids? Sure. But I don't think any of my rights are being restricted.

112. What is the punishment you would come up with for Osama Bin Laden if you caught him alive?
It is hard for me to think what would be just in this situation. Bin Laden is not the only one to blame...

113. Have you ever named an individual part of your body?

114. Have you ever been on the radio or on TV?

115. Have you ever won a lottery, or sweepstakes?
I won $100 from a scratch-it once

116. Have you ever won a contest or competition?
Yeah, acting and choir stuff. Never won first place in athletics, but have at least placed.

117. Do you like to watch The Joy of Painting show with Bob Ross?
Still? Never did.

118. Do you know what your grandparents and your great grand parents did for a living?
My dad's dad worked as a correctional officer and a sewing machine repair man. His wife was a phone operator and than spent her time singing in church and raising kids. My mom's dad died when she was young and her mom remarried and I have no clue what that/those husbands did. And her mother did... I have no clue.

119. Is there anything really interesting in your family history?
There's a lot of musicians, semi-famous in the cousins. And there's a lot of us.

120. Is there anyone you trust completely?
Just me.

121. Have you ever lost someone without having the chance to say goodbye?

122. How do you feel about women in politics?
I think it's kickass.

123. Would you rather have an indoor Jacuzzi or an outdoor pool?
Out door pool.

124. What things are you interested in that you study or read about on your own?

Social documentaries, local charity, psychological issues/factors steming from childhood trauma and abuse.

125. Would you consider yourself to be intelligent?
With each day I work towards becoming a smart chick, instead of a funny chick.

126. Would you consider yourself to be wise?
Some days.

127. Have you ever given or received a lap dance?

128. Have you ever spoken to a homeless person?
A few times a week; I live in Portland.

129. Would you ever creep into the subway tunnels to go exploring?
It looks awesome - I would do it w/someone more experienced.

131. Can you finish any of the following lyrics?
A: Nothing to kill or die for...and no religion too
B: Late comings with the late comin' stretcher...
C: I could make a film and make you my star... You'd be a natural the way you are

132. Were you ever with someone while they died?
Not the moment they passed.

133. Would you rather be a world political leader or a rock star?
Ick - can I go with neither?

134. Have you ever given someone a love letter that you wrote?
Oh, yes.

135. Have you ever sent someone a surprise though the mail?

136. Are you looking forward to any concerts right now?
No, just some comedy shows.

137. Of all animated movies, which is the best one you've ever seen?
Beauty and the Beast is awesome, as is The Iron Giant.

138. What are the best bands or songs to listen to while driving?
John Mellencamp, Foo Fighters, AC/DC, Justin Timberlake, The Eagles, Lady Gaga... must I go on?

139. What do you think is the most amazing thing that anyone has ever accomplished?
So much to choose from - think of all the philosphers persecuted by the church? The wars? Civil rights, medical advancements, technology, etc.

140. What could a member of the opposite sex do to impress you?
Be brilliant, be sincere and laugh at my dumb jokes.

141. About how many emails do you get a day? How many of those emails are junk mail? How many of them are forwards?
No clue - get a ton through work. Get a lot of crap as well.

142. What's your favorite thing to do online besides blogging?
Look at videos.

143. Do you believe Kurt Cobain killed himself or was it a conspiracy?
Kurt shot himself in the head. Who knows who drove him to it, himself and/or others. No matter what, we lost someone grand.

144. Have you ever though about hitchhiking across the country?

145. Who would you bring with you on this (hitchhiking) kind of a road trip?
My own car, so I wouldn't have to hitchhike.

146. Of the following, which word best describes you: accurate, bold, charming or dependable?

147. If you are single, at about what age do you think you will be ready to settle down and get married? If you are married, how old were you at the time?
This is hard to predict but ideally I'd like to be married after college, so very early 30s. But if I'm lucky enough to met him soon, our marriage could manage my work/school schedule.

148. Do you often wonder, when you say goodbye to people, if it is the last time you will ever see them?

149. What movie are you most looking forward to seeing when it comes out?
That Dinner with Schmucks looks funny.

150. What is your quest?
Righteousness and strength - to conquor my fears and correct my wrongs. To be passionate always and be charming and thoughtful. To be open and honest and to impact humanity on a level so my good can be continued. To make people laugh. To stop a cycle of abuse that runs in my family line and accept that no matter what, the world keeps on going with or without me... me being here or me being right.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

And that's the way the cookie crumbles

I had dinner with Audrey... was bold enough to ask her if he asks about me.
"Not directly." She says.
"But you know he thinks about you, misses you, shit - probably looks at your Facebook page!"

I make no assumptions. I examine what is put before me - I examine the situation and consider the limited information I am given.

How do I express... this?

I tell myself he does not think about me, so I should not get wrapped up in thinking about him... or Serena. Even if she turns two this Friday and I will miss her birthday.

She isn't mine anymore. No matter how much I love her.


I'm looking forward to connecting with an honest man. Someone who isn't afraid to face life head on. No one is perfect - just accept your imperfections and recognize the ones that are worth tweaking with in order to mature into a more peaceful, fulfilled being.

My focus is to live consciously. I can only give out what I expect in return - doesn't mean it will happen (ha ha ha)... but I'd rather hope for the best then expect the worst.