Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Anti-this feeling, please

I hate being responsible for someone's unhappiness. When I do, Neil Sedaka runs through my mind and I find myself just saying "I'm sorry."

I've been spending weeks getting to know Milk Toast; cliff notes - he's ideal. Wits, intelligence, looks, job, dog, my friends love him, his friends are awesome but after weeks of all this general warm-feelings, fun and laughs; I feel it's reached its peak. My honesty in explaining this has burned him and me.

Text messages that make me feel like shit? Check.
Unfriending/Unfollowing me now? Check.

What am I to do? I question what's wrong with me - is the previous man (or men) playing a role in me being sorta fucked up and not being able to find a connection with Milk Toast? Is some imaginary, Hollywood x-factor that romantic comedies, Rene Zellweger, Julia Roberts and too many Alesia Holliday and Elisabeth Kyle books perma-fucked with me being able to recognize, appreciate and keep a good man? I don't know.

I resist the urge to text him or call him. I need a few days, some respectful breathing space otherwise I'll find myself apologizing uncontrollably, and for what, exactly? I'm past the point of believing I have a prince charming or a soul mate out there in the world. I want someone I can connect with - and I can't really detail that any further! There's no check list or requirements other than that; I need to feel that connection.

I'm very anti-feeling the way I'm feeling tonight. I'm questioning who I am because I made a decision for me, based solely on selfish reasons - my satisfaction - and I'm feeling guilty. I was feeling equally as awful knowing this relationship was going nowhere and it came to a point where I had to tell him. I had too!

I do like and care for Milk Toast. Never, ever do I want to hurt someone, especially someone I've grown so fond of. But rejection hurts. I'm well aware of the consequence of being on the receiving side of the "no thank you". That's why I'm truly sorry it didn't work out in both our favors.

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