Tuesday, December 15, 2009

can't ignore the pinched nerve in the room

It's been said that spontaneity is the key to keeping a relationship exciting. Me on the other hand, would just for once like to know who I'm coming home to. I never know if when he walks through the door if he'll be content, irritated, happy, relaxed - I never know anymore.

He lectured me about eating his pizza. The pizza he bought. The pizza he was planning on eating. These two slices of pizza represented how the money is spent in our house, ownership, respect and everything else that one can symbolize pizza with. I know it wasn't about the pizza, he even said it wasn't about the pizza. But after the fourth time he repeated himself, I had had enough.

Chronic physical pain changes a person. They're always tired, always trying to sleep, and when awake always floating in this state of irritated and pitiful.

I've hit a wall. I can't exhale this tension away tonight. It was so bad I couldn't even enjoy my Mystery Science Theater 3000 that I've been waiting for and it just arrived today. I switched to Law and Order SVU and tried to do a crossword. I couldn't ignore how sad I was.

I find myself being cynical when watching jewelry commercials. The man giving the woman, this love in his life, a shiny symbol of his love, acceptance, dedication and joy that he has with her; it perfectly packaged as a pendent or simple necklace. All I want is him to be happy. Express joy - but he's been unable to since this pinched nerve in his neck has taken over his life and mine. We used to do things together and now we don't even watch tv in the same room.

How do you describe a falling out when the thing to blame is a pinched nerve? I'm not nurturing enough. He says I go out of my way to make things more difficult for him. He says that. He actually tells me he thinks I go out of my way to make things more difficult for him.


I may not wait on him and do more then ask him if he's comfortable but I do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning. I bite my tongue when he's going off about anything, everything - I take it because I know it's not him bitching - it's the nerve. I do all this while working 35 hrs/wk and have class 14 hrs/wk, not including travel time or time dedicated to homework.

I won't let him know how much it has hurt me that my birthday has come and gone without any hype from him, yet I invested weeks, money and testing my anxiety for his birthday bash. I'd like to think my birthday would have been more important to him if he wasn't in so much pain...

I was so looking forward to my break from school. Tonight all I found myself wishing for was being in the classroom, away from him. Away from my house. Away from his pinched nerve that has stolen my charming boyfriend from me.

He sends me a text from the basement he's sorry, the pizza is not that big of a deal. It's just that he's so tired and in a lot of pain. I don't text back. Why would I? We're in the same house!! Half hour goes by and he comes and finds me, asks if I want to watch the finale of So You Think You Can Dance... I pass.

I'd rather Google pinched nerve and investigate how to get him back. I'd rather just write. I'd rather sit alone.

1 comment:

Just Another Average Working Mom said...

"Just because you HAVE a pain, doesn't mean you have to BE one."