Friday, December 4, 2009

Re-building trust is a game of Janga

I tread lightly when this topic is discussed in my household. I never know where it will lead; more disappointment(s) or happiness? This must scream volumes about my relationship. I admit, the trust in our relationship is not at 100%. This makes me sad, and I quickly think of something else. It's how I cope. Not the healthiest way, but hey, I'm still recovering.

Last night the topic of Facebook was brought up. (Again, tread very lightly here). I expressed to Andrew that he keeps his account somewhat protected or secretive by not allowing comments to be posted or to have people see who his friends are, there are two ways of reading that. First, I know that he feels he's been burned by people creating drama through these friendship networks (Facebook, Myspace). People have viewed his pages, interpreted comments in ways that he feels are inaccurate and that caused tension in our relationship. And second way of reading it, he has something to hide. He quickly defends he has nothing to hide. Nothing. NOTHING!! It's all about drama, he just doesn't want it. He's a private guy.

Ok... then why do I get that panic feeling inside? Why do I still not believe him?

It's nearly 11 months since he crossed that line and broke my trust in our relationship. So much has happened since January; I had a border-line emotional break down, re-entered therapy and group, Andrew promising he was in this relationship, then Andrew moving out b/c he just didn't know what he wanted, Andrew moving back in when he knew what he wanted and promised me "A, B and C." Couple months go by w/o him following through with promises "A, B and C" and drama involving Facebook and Her. He befriended Her after all our heartache and it's "none of my business" or "I should just trust him"; I forget which statement he used as his defense for befriending Her. I think this all ties into why he keeps his Facebook account so limited to viewers. Including me.

I haven't asked him in awhile if he's had contact with Her. I hate to admit it but I'm afraid he'll either lie to me or be honest and the answer will be yes. As his 30th birthday approached this question ate at me. Did She contact him? Did She send him a text, "Happy Birthday"? Did he contact Her? And I know I have to let this go.

I know this... I know this!

Andrew told me them being friends on Facebook means nothing. He's known Her since they were kids, they've been through so much together, etc. and he is not going to let me make any decisions for him. I'm confused? If Facebook means nothing but you're justifying the Facebook friendship because you've known Her for so many years and everything you two have been through, doesn't that actually mean this Facebook friendship has meaning to you?

What really hurts me is I don't try to dictate his life. My hurt is triggered whenever She is involved - why can't he let Her go? Why is their Facebook friendship more important then our relationship?

That's when our conversation turns into an argument and we talk (I cry) in circles and we get nowhere. So, is it better to just not talk about Her and Facebook, Myspace, etc.? I really don't know.

I try to compare the attachment Andrew has with Her to my attachment to my ex, Amjad. We still communicate. An email or text here when big things happen. He's buying a house, he emailed me pictures. When Michael Jackson died he texted me the news b/c he knew I'm such a fan. A mutual friend's dad died so I got a text message. That's three contacts in a span of a year or so. I don't even send a text on his birthday, nor do I get one from him on mine. The main factor that separates my communication w/Amjad and Andrew's communication w/Her; I didn't have an inappropriate relationship w/Amjad while being in a relationship w/Andrew.

One thing I'm certain of is I don't feel as fragile as I did in January 2009. I feel in better control of my emotions. My thoughts are clearer and I can focus more on what really is bothering me verses spinning every little situation into a huge ordeal and basically losing control of my emotions. This is what I call progress. (Thank you Dr. Preece and Al-Anon). And I'm very proud of this.

I decide each time I feel that panic what to make of it. Do I allow myself to spin out of control? Do I confront Andrew? Do I confide in Andrew? The way I'm rebuilding our trust, because I crossed lines w/Andrew as well, is I confide in him. I don't know if he sees it that way. I think he sees it as me freaking out or not trusting him, but the truth is I don't trust him, yet. And I want to. So I tell him I'm having these feelings, instead of acting out the insecure feelings.

I don't know if Andrew fully trusts me. There were a couple weeks when I knew what was going on between him and Her because I was going through his phone, reading text messages and times when he left his email account open and I went through them. I betrayed him. He didn't understand why I couldn't just come to him w/my suspicions. Why did I have to snoop and let what I found eat at me? Very valid questions.

Much like Janga the broken trust we have, the mistakes we've made are the pieces we removed. But we are building on top of those mistakes - adding those Janga pieces back. I just hope our foundation hasn't been destroyed and all the pieces tumble over and we lose this game.

I'm taking each day as it comes. I get tested on my ability to cope w/feelings of insecurity and I believe I am making strides. Andrew has played a huge part in my growth, good or bad. We recognize the wonderful qualities in each other and appreciate each other. We may not do it every day, but I can see him too adding pieces to the top, he's trying. We're trying to win this game of Janga.

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