Maggie's 30th Bday

We celebrated a day early with a SURPRISE!! Jake was a sweetheart of a boyfriend, planned the surprise. We had the gang gather early, she walked in - BAM!! Thanks to Mississippi Pizza for hosting our shin-dig.

Tell me honestly

Gobble, gobble...

Yesterday was America's celebratory day of gluttony, mass ethnic cleansing and football, football, FOOTBALL!!

I was invited to Brian's family's house for the afternoon/evening. I had a fantastic time. Great, warm people, good food - all that one could hope for on Thanksgiving. This holiday doesn't weird me out as much as some others (Christmas, Easter, etc).

This morning I worked Black Friday Merrier Shopper Days at Clackamas Town Center. I look forward to this event because I'm surrounded by all sorts of people and my shift flies by because I'm so busy!! I reported in at 5:20am, set up my station and spent the next five hours checking receipts, taking information and awarding shoppers with gift certificates. As our gift certificates were running low (get'em while supplies last, folks!!) we decided to count out the remaining recipients in line so people wouldn't be totally pissed when we made the announcement that we were done for the day.

After counting off the remaining people, mall security and my co-team leader Noelle waved me over - people were claiming someone cut in line. (DUN-DUN-DUN!!) I approached the accused - a young girl, maybe 12, her brother a few years older and their non-English speaking mother. I told the girl that quite a few people have accused her of cutting in line - she denied it, as did her brother. The mother chimed in with Russian (which I didn't understand), but I insisted that many people claimed she had cut and that, unfortunately, she had to be removed from the line. That's when the tears started to swelling in her eyes and Mom again chimed in, rattling off who-knows-what - cue mall security!!!

He wasted no time on countless "ma'am" and "I don't think you're understandin' me - I am asking you to leave." I admit, I felt a little bad for the girl. Who knows if she did cut in line - it was the first time a group of people have ever accused another, especially a child, of cutting in line.

I left the mall, headed to Tonkin. Finished my shift - shocked I pulled through because I could not focus on a thing. It's nice to be home. I'm looking forward to an early bedtime and heavy studying over the weekend. Finals are upon me!! Happy belated Turkey Day, and Happy Freaking Black Friday ya'll.

Nick Alan 2011 Collection Launch!!

I was lucky enough to support and model the great talents of Nick Alan (MF Magazine Feb. 2009). Help him out!! Young, talented people are not getting the break they deserve. I'm encouraging my readers and friends to donate. Help this man obtain his dream!! And he's even giving back to his supporters!! Donate $10, get a tote. Donate $25 get one of his amazing t-shirts (which is quite a steal, because they usually run in the $40-$50 range).

me getting ignored

Sophie has bad taste in music... and doesn't listen to me.



And now Buddy... pssh.

Want some advice...

More of "What To Do or What Not To Do On a Date: From This Female's Perspective"

First: Don't ignore me.
How many times ladies have you had a perfectly charming, handsome, interesting man ask you out just to get you all dolled up and excited and what does he deliver from across the table? A whole lotta making inside jokes, talking about his favorite tunes and not interacting with you in the least. WTF? Why am I here if you don't want to include me on this date? Next time take some Ritalin psycho, and than meet me for dinner. Otherwise be straight with me - you just want an audience to your 'I'm so awesome' show. I have no problem with that. But you called the wrong number - you'll need an escort for that date.

Second: Doors don't open themselves.
I feel like I've said this a lot. Please guys, open doors. Open the door to the restaurant, when we're leaving the restaurant. Open the cab door, open the car door, open, OPEN, OPEN!!

Third: Flirting.
Thank you for telling me I look beautiful, or better yet, giving me your gaze just a moment longer than usual to make me smile and ask, "why that look?" Perfect opportunity for you to lay some charm on me. Yes, it seems so simple, (Psst! And it is!!), but say something cheesy like you just can't keep your eyes off me. Good ol' fashion flirting works for a reason.

I only had a few this time around. The dating scene, for me, is improving. I'm finding interesting, charming men in Portland that have a lot to offer but just not finding that connection. And that's ok. Knowing that there are some candidates out there makes it exciting again. I hear so many women rag on the shitty selection of men out there. I shake my head and ask them if that's really the case or are you just presenting a false you on the date? Be direct, be fun and light hearted. Yes, I have standards and post them here (humorously and seriously) but I keep in mind for every bullet-point I make for what I want on a date, I know he has one as well. And maybe it's me that's not meeting his standards and I'm partially responsible for the wet blanket that's been thrown over the evening's excitement. Whatever it is, my advice is expect as good as you give. Doesn't guarantee that it'll be a match made in heaven, but at least you can walk away knowing you gave the best of you.

Another Monday Weigh-in

Ok... grand total to date (drum roll please) - 16.5lbs lost!

To be honest, I've lost more than that if we're counting from the very beginning of the year - but I'm just counting since May. Officially, I have lost 20lbs since January.

I'm sooooo close to my goal!! My last weight-loss update blog, I was hoping to be at my target weight by my birthday - well, that will not happen (unless by some miracle or me doing something drastic I drop 10 lbs in two and half weeks). I'm still so happy that I'm getting so close!!

Cheers to a healthier (and happier) life!!

Hal Sparks

One of my younger sisters, Katie, and I saw Hal Sparks at the Helium Room. Hal is hilarious!! He's been on 'Queer as Folk' and the host of 'Talk Soup.'

photo shoot

It has been just over a year and a half since my last modeling gig. I have gone through a roller coaster of drama since April 2009 and am happy to say that I was asked to do a shoot. Here's some of the amazing work Christine Marie did. I hope I can have another session with her once I have hit my weight loss goal.

Greg Behrendt

Another great night of comedy at the Helium Room. A lot of his notoriety comes from his co-authoring "He's Just Not That Into You" and his writing on Sex and The City. I just like his stand-up.

(my friend Sarah with Greg after the show)

(me with Greg after his show)

my phone

Shallah's birthday

I've discovered what an annoying drunk I am. Thank you Flip camera for allowing me to capture this and thus proving to me what my friends have been saying for awhile... "Hayley, shut the fuck up when you're drunk."

Sklar Brothers

Jason and Randy Sklar - saw them at Helium Comedy Club tonight. Hilarious. But first... I can't park!!! Maggie tried, but we both decided to let Jon do it. He's a man. So he can.



(Randy, Jon, Maggie, Jason)

(Randy, Jon, me, Jason)

(signatures)

266 days

The transformation my mind, heart, spirit and body has taken - I feel like a different person, yet still effected by the insecurities and disappoints that made up who I used to be. The insatiable desire to find that one love has dissolved to merely an idea I reserve on my back burner. It's not like 'I'm trying' to get past it (whatever the f*ck it is - him, my dog, her, what happened, what should have been, what really it was or wasn't...) - it's murky and I'm not searching for clarity. I can still hear inside my head, my heart - and no matter how many of you think it's not normal or healthy or it shouldn't be an issue anymore, please remind yourselves this is my life, my experiences - and I welcome your supportive and critical words but don't judge me.

I'm ok.

I feel things differently than you - maybe analyze them longer than you. Cry more. Talk more. Write more. Whatever my deal is, value these things about me please because I am tired of defending my own emotions against those who do not dare to explore the concept that maybe it's ok what I'm doing and how I'm doing it.

Sometimes people or events get to you. Keep you wide awake. Keep you longing. Lock you up. Why not saturate in that instead of pushing past it?? Investigate why this is the exception to your usual, normal daily life!!

I am happy. I am thoughtful. I am reflective - very, very reflective. I'm exploring and expanding the ways I socialize. Sometimes, it's uncomfortable but for whom? You? The ones that keep pointing out how I'm too emotional, not emotional enough. Anxious. Read into things. Dramatic. Passive. The ones that ask why can't I just have fun? The ones that say I care too much? The ones that say I have grown private and quiet? The ones that ask me why I ask why?

WHAT THE HELL!!???!!?!

I have changed. I don't know when, I can think of a few reasons why but... I feel a pull from those who haven't changed - they are uncomfortable with my growth (or weren't a part of it) and are more ready to box me into that anxious, insecure woman I used to be because they know how to handle her, then to accept me.

I am strong, not just becoming stronger. Yes, I've turned over a new leaf and I understand I just put the old surface in the dirt - don't make me feel guilty for doing so. It took almost 27 years and a shit - SHIT load of turmoil. But also a lot of laughter, connecting, relationships, people, creativity and doing things (it seems) always differently than 'you'.

Can't help myself. I try to fight it. I've always been different.

"Constant pressures,
No scale can measure."

Maybe my brain is fried from all this studying, but I needed to take a break and get this out.

I cherish with fondness the day before I met you

To: You know who you are.
From: Me.

Killer - my wealth of knowledge

Killer, you nailed it, once again girl. xoxo


“You Gotta Have Faith”

Or faithfulness, as it were.

Do most people feel they have the ability to be faithful to one person? Does it just factor into how in love you are?

I know I felt the complete ability, in my previous relationship. I wanted no one else, and didn’t care what anyone else had to offer; he was it. The love of my life.

Saying that, brings me back to the pain instilled upon my heart when, over a year after the occurrence, I was told, by him, that he had been unfaithful. To this day, it affects me and how I perceive men in relationships. Or women, for that matter. I’ve known plenty of girls to cheat. I, myself, have been tempted in relationships previous to my last. However, I feel like I did the right thing by addressing it at that time; telling the person I wanted to date around - not be monogamous anymore, before I did something I knew I would regret.

I’m trying to embark on a new relationship now, and try as I might, I feel a lot holding me back. I don’t know if it’s just me not wanting to commit, me still needing to heal from the love I lost (which, despite the unfaithfulness, I was willing to work through), or the fear driven idea that I don’t want to be hurt like that, again. It was one of the darkest periods of my life, and I honestly couldn’t see myself making it through another one.

I feel like if a relationship were to be as perfect as my last made itself seem like [to me], both people would have to give equally. I know I gave my part. Nothing against the people I know, but I’ve spoken with and observed a few people recently who have been struggling with faithfulness. They’ve abstained from action, but the thought is there. These are people I never thought, in a million years, would be… that.

Do you have the ability to remain faithful? What would it take for you to be? If someone gives so much of themself, do you respect them still? Even if you know, that because of the trust they have in you, you could walk all over them at any given point?

I want back the feeling of innocence I had in my last relationship. When I knew nothing of being cheated on. When I thought all was well and lived so comfortably and unworried. When I didn’t think twice about whether I had someone waiting for me at home that I knew wasn’t thinking about or with someone else. All I thought about was him. I’m afraid I won’t experience that again.

I don’t want to become him, or like him, now. Maybe I gave too much and that made him lose a certain measure of respect for me… But the respect I lost for him when I found out that he couldn’t do something so simple as to just remain faithful (ie, keep it in your pants, for Christ’s sake) or cut it off beforehand… is remarkable. And yet I still love him. And am still shaken by the whole experience of being with him. All the good, with the bad.

I want my heart to go back to normal.