Tuesday, November 2, 2010

266 days

The transformation my mind, heart, spirit and body has taken - I feel like a different person, yet still effected by the insecurities and disappoints that made up who I used to be. The insatiable desire to find that one love has dissolved to merely an idea I reserve on my back burner. It's not like 'I'm trying' to get past it (whatever the f*ck it is - him, my dog, her, what happened, what should have been, what really it was or wasn't...) - it's murky and I'm not searching for clarity. I can still hear inside my head, my heart - and no matter how many of you think it's not normal or healthy or it shouldn't be an issue anymore, please remind yourselves this is my life, my experiences - and I welcome your supportive and critical words but don't judge me.

I'm ok.

I feel things differently than you - maybe analyze them longer than you. Cry more. Talk more. Write more. Whatever my deal is, value these things about me please because I am tired of defending my own emotions against those who do not dare to explore the concept that maybe it's ok what I'm doing and how I'm doing it.

Sometimes people or events get to you. Keep you wide awake. Keep you longing. Lock you up. Why not saturate in that instead of pushing past it?? Investigate why this is the exception to your usual, normal daily life!!

I am happy. I am thoughtful. I am reflective - very, very reflective. I'm exploring and expanding the ways I socialize. Sometimes, it's uncomfortable but for whom? You? The ones that keep pointing out how I'm too emotional, not emotional enough. Anxious. Read into things. Dramatic. Passive. The ones that ask why can't I just have fun? The ones that say I care too much? The ones that say I have grown private and quiet? The ones that ask me why I ask why?

WHAT THE HELL!!???!!?!

I have changed. I don't know when, I can think of a few reasons why but... I feel a pull from those who haven't changed - they are uncomfortable with my growth (or weren't a part of it) and are more ready to box me into that anxious, insecure woman I used to be because they know how to handle her, then to accept me.

I am strong, not just becoming stronger. Yes, I've turned over a new leaf and I understand I just put the old surface in the dirt - don't make me feel guilty for doing so. It took almost 27 years and a shit - SHIT load of turmoil. But also a lot of laughter, connecting, relationships, people, creativity and doing things (it seems) always differently than 'you'.

Can't help myself. I try to fight it. I've always been different.

"Constant pressures,
No scale can measure."

Maybe my brain is fried from all this studying, but I needed to take a break and get this out.

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