Monday, November 1, 2010

Killer - my wealth of knowledge

Killer, you nailed it, once again girl. xoxo

“You Gotta Have Faith”

Or faithfulness, as it were.

Do most people feel they have the ability to be faithful to one person? Does it just factor into how in love you are?

I know I felt the complete ability, in my previous relationship. I wanted no one else, and didn’t care what anyone else had to offer; he was it. The love of my life.

Saying that, brings me back to the pain instilled upon my heart when, over a year after the occurrence, I was told, by him, that he had been unfaithful. To this day, it affects me and how I perceive men in relationships. Or women, for that matter. I’ve known plenty of girls to cheat. I, myself, have been tempted in relationships previous to my last. However, I feel like I did the right thing by addressing it at that time; telling the person I wanted to date around - not be monogamous anymore, before I did something I knew I would regret.

I’m trying to embark on a new relationship now, and try as I might, I feel a lot holding me back. I don’t know if it’s just me not wanting to commit, me still needing to heal from the love I lost (which, despite the unfaithfulness, I was willing to work through), or the fear driven idea that I don’t want to be hurt like that, again. It was one of the darkest periods of my life, and I honestly couldn’t see myself making it through another one.

I feel like if a relationship were to be as perfect as my last made itself seem like [to me], both people would have to give equally. I know I gave my part. Nothing against the people I know, but I’ve spoken with and observed a few people recently who have been struggling with faithfulness. They’ve abstained from action, but the thought is there. These are people I never thought, in a million years, would be… that.

Do you have the ability to remain faithful? What would it take for you to be? If someone gives so much of themself, do you respect them still? Even if you know, that because of the trust they have in you, you could walk all over them at any given point?

I want back the feeling of innocence I had in my last relationship. When I knew nothing of being cheated on. When I thought all was well and lived so comfortably and unworried. When I didn’t think twice about whether I had someone waiting for me at home that I knew wasn’t thinking about or with someone else. All I thought about was him. I’m afraid I won’t experience that again.

I don’t want to become him, or like him, now. Maybe I gave too much and that made him lose a certain measure of respect for me… But the respect I lost for him when I found out that he couldn’t do something so simple as to just remain faithful (ie, keep it in your pants, for Christ’s sake) or cut it off beforehand… is remarkable. And yet I still love him. And am still shaken by the whole experience of being with him. All the good, with the bad.

I want my heart to go back to normal.

No comments: