Saturday, July 23, 2011

For the record...

I'm over it. 'It' being me feeding into this idea that because I felt something, and he said wonderful, poetic, lovely words and made me feel special, connected and that who I was, me, was more than enough - reality check!! He was total bullshit; he got off on my immediate reaction, he got off on the chase and had zero plan of catching me and making an 'us' - I feed into this idea that I should hold out because maybe, just maybe he'll wake up and realize that we really did have a connection. That he didn't give us enough time.


I'm over it. You did a shitty thing. You sort of apologized, I mean, you said 'I'm sorry' but most importantly, you continued to be shitty to me. I have emails and texts that are romantic and promising and all these things that made me believe in love again, and you bailed on me. You toyed with me months ago and I need to stop making excuses for your behavior because it's been holding me back.

I don't want to carry this baggage any longer. I've unfriended you, deleted the text messages, sent all those emails to the trash - I want to find the version of you that made me happy, but in an actual honest man that has pure intentions with me; not one that plays the part.

I hate that this is another experience that has fucked with my self esteem, fucked with my value system and made me even more awkward with intimacy. I'm done stumbling with Seattle Matt. Regardless of your intentions, no matter how convincing you will try to be to me or yourself, it was shitty.

I'm going to let it go and live in the present. Only good things can come of me not thinking "what if..." any longer.

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