Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married...

Over the past week I've realized how many of my friends from high school are married, getting married or just got married. It's overwhelming. Emily and Alex got married this month (a little bummed I didn't get an invitation). I just read Jenn and Ryan got married, again really bummed I didn't get an invitation but the wedding was in Sunriver and I wouldn't have been able to make it. Nick is marrying his girlfriend in January. I think Shanna got married; she has pics of her wearing what appears to be a wedding dress on her Facebook. Jason and Michelle married w/a baby. Joel and Kelsey married w/a baby. Siobhan and Ryan married w/two babies. Audrey and Graham engaged.

It makes me a little sad. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy w/my current relationship. I have no desire to be married at this point in my life. I have so much going on right now; I don't think I could be the wife I want to be. I want to work a little more on who I am, before I go and vow my life to a man. I'm turning 26 in a little more than 3 weeks and it's hitting me how quickly time passes. Five years ago I would have thought I would have been married, possibly w/a child to my then boyfriend by now. So much has been squeezed into these past five years, it's amazing how quickly it has flown by.

It makes me hope I'm not forgetting to value each day as unique and fleeting. I'm so happy I'm finally in school. I'm so happy that I'm living in a place I really like and sharing it w/someone who makes me laugh all the time. Things can always be better and things could always be worse. Marriage is just something I've always wanted and assumed it would happen in my early 20s. Now that I'm in my mid-20s there's no way I would have been successful, I think, if I would have married years ago.

I look at the pictures posted from my high school friends and I remember most of them how they were. It's been so long since we've hung out all I have to associate them by is how we were 8-10 years ago. I see their grown up faces in their wedding photos but attach their youthful character and can't believe they're married! I'm so happy for each of them finding someone they want to spend the rest of their life with. I do wish everyone success and happiness in their marriage.

My bit of sadness comes from remembering the past. The fun we had as teenagers and how much has changed in such a short time. People I used to see every day and couldn't imagine not speaking to are now just a category in my Facebook account. I read their updates and comment occasionally, but it's so strange. I don't know these people anymore. So much of my teen years were spent talking - talking in depth w/these people about everything. Nothing was off limits and we shared a connection that cannot be duplicated.

These changes have been great for most. We've matured, experienced life, gotten an education, prioritized to have more sentiment instead of things and taken that step into adulthood and relieved our parents of the responsibility of our actions.

I think of my parents and what they were doing at my age. At 25, nearly 26 my mother had three children and pregnant with me. At 25, nearly 26 my father had four children. They were married and scraping by. I'm sure they were stressed but happy. People make due w/what they have. At 25 nearly 26, I have three dogs. I share that responsibility w/my boyfriend. He turns 30 this Saturday. He hasn't done any freaking out, but I'm sure some reflection is taking place. It's only natural.

I try to make a general plan of what I want out of my life to keep me working towards something that will be better then now. I want to finish school, hopefully in the two years designed by the program. I want to get a job in Portland. I want to buy a house. I want to get married. I want all of this before I have my 31st birthday.

That gives me a little more than 4 years.

That's when I think a plan isn't such a good idea. Maybe just keep working on me and let those other things fall into place. I don't stress about them, I just think about them. I lose sight of today when thinking about the big picture. I am content with my life. I'm working for more, but not unappreciative w/what I gained thus far.


Jessica Eiden Smedley said...

Your plan of not having a plan is a good plan.

Hayley Freakin' Rules said...

That's what I'm thinking...