Saturday, February 27, 2010

learning a lesson

I've been experiencing waves of different emotions these past few weeks. Based on my history, I've been really strong even though I feel anxiety and sadness a lot.

Sad about the end of the relationship, about not being able to have Serena, my wonderful apartment - all the every day things I cherish. I'm anxious about my future, about who's going to be looking out for Andrew - that's the one that I talked most about with Dr. Preece last week.

I have spent so much of this past year supporting him, his work, his efforts to further his career, encouraging him whenever he spoke of sobriety. I was so caught up in him and making sure I was being a positive voice, his rallying crew that I was forgotten.

My project is to whenever I'm feeling guilty or sad or ________ about no longer being there for Andrew, I'm supposed to stop worrying about him, and start thinking about my needs. I haven't been to a meeting (Al-Anon) in months but this topic is a major source of discussion.

The obligation one puts on them self to be the "strong one" or better described as the enabler, feels a sense of failure when the person they love is losing the battle of addiction and they finally say enough is enough and pull them self out of the situation. I'm feeling that.

I gave every piece of myself to Andrew and to the fight to get him sober and take the steps to deal with his depression and neither of us considered my needs. And I'm feeling ashamed, slightly embarrassed, sadness and tired.

Ashamed that I allowed myself to be #2 to both of us.
Embarrassed that I kept making excuses to keep him in my life, even when he was obviously not invested in us.
The sadness and feeling tired is due to a year of letting things be too much.

I think most people (women) my age who are single or just came from a bad relationship feel this sense of the clock ticking. Not necessarily in the baby-making department, but more of where is he?

I want to be married. Not this very moment, but I've known for a number of years that I am a person who wants to be married and have a family and relatively, I want this all to happen before I'm 35. Well, sincerely I wanted the marriage and kids to happen in my late 20s, but now it's been pushed to 35. And I get scared that I'm just not good at relationships, for some reason.

It can't all be his fault. I've had two really bad break-ups. Both men I loved tremendously, one I lived with - shared a life with. I'm not writing off men, that's not the issue. The issue is accepting that maybe there's something I'm doing, either in the break down of communication or not realizing that in order for someone to love me, I need to love me all the time! Because I don't.

I'm in my mid-twenties and this is when things are suppose to be settling. I feel emotionally stronger then I ever have in my life. School has been such an amazing means for my self worth. I'm worth an education! I'm worth getting student loans to fulfill my dream and have a successful life, professionally. What I'm struggling with is accepting that I enter relationships thinking about my needs and if this man will be parallel with my needs. Then somewhere along the way, things always lean in his favor and I'm not strong enough to get out. I always hold on to some hope that he'll see me as someone wonderful and appreciate me but that hasn't been the case.

Andrew has left me feeling defeated, heartbroken... I need to lick my wounds, focus on myself and do some maturing. That's what our mid-twenties are for, right?

2 comments:

Raishawn said...

I don't even remember how I stumbled on your blog but I did and even though I felt weird reading it-I continued. We were never really friends or anything but it still continues.

You are not the only one. I've never been that particular kind of girl but I've known many like you who were willing to settle for people that weren't exactly right for them. I think the most important thing that you have to realize and always remember is that people can only treat you as bad as you let them.

I didn't go through and read all of your blog archives but just from the little I've read I can say that you for sure need to learn this. You need to realize that you're too good to let anyone treat you like shit. Didn't he even cheat on you at some point? That should have been the last straw. Regardless of whatever issues you've had with anyone, when they've cheated on you-they've broken your trust in a serious way and you need to be aware of the fact that that wouldn't have happened if they entirely loved and respected you. It's maybe a difficult thing to accept but just think about it this way. Would you have ever cheated on him? Under any circumstances? If you can definitely say no, and I imagine you can-then that was it. That was your queue to walk away and never look back. Walk away and find someone who respects you and treats you well. Stop settling because you like someone or you're worried that you won't find someone better. You can find someone better and you deserve to. Never let anyone treat you any worse than you'd treat them. Especially if they're someone that claims to love and respect you. Most of all if they're THE person that's claims to love and respect you.

I don't understand you young and beautiful girls that allow people to mistreat them and walk all over them and their feelings. You're better than this and it's kind of frustrating that you don't seem to realize that.

Hayley Freakin' Rules said...

Thanks for the advice/kind words/honest thoughts. I could write a book on the "shoulda-coulda-woulda" of my life, but the silver lining to all the decisions I've made when I put someone (undeserving) before myself, I've always managed to bounce back. I don't like looking back and thinking "I wish I dumped him back when..." I want to think about how I need to not repeat that path. That path where things start out happy, romantic, good - and then somewhere I decide I should compromise. This is part of growing up, I've been told. Being good in relationships does not come naturally to me. It doesn't come natural to most.
Now more then ever I know I deserve a good man who wants a committed, honest, loyal, loving relationship with me.
I'm in no rush.
I want to get over this first before I start thinking about getting involved again.

PS: You know me? How?