I've been experiencing waves of different emotions these past few weeks. Based on my history, I've been really strong even though I feel anxiety and sadness a lot.
Sad about the end of the relationship, about not being able to have Serena, my wonderful apartment - all the every day things I cherish. I'm anxious about my future, about who's going to be looking out for Andrew - that's the one that I talked most about with Dr. Preece last week.
I have spent so much of this past year supporting him, his work, his efforts to further his career, encouraging him whenever he spoke of sobriety. I was so caught up in him and making sure I was being a positive voice, his rallying crew that I was forgotten.
My project is to whenever I'm feeling guilty or sad or ________ about no longer being there for Andrew, I'm supposed to stop worrying about him, and start thinking about my needs. I haven't been to a meeting (Al-Anon) in months but this topic is a major source of discussion.
The obligation one puts on them self to be the "strong one" or better described as the enabler, feels a sense of failure when the person they love is losing the battle of addiction and they finally say enough is enough and pull them self out of the situation. I'm feeling that.
I gave every piece of myself to Andrew and to the fight to get him sober and take the steps to deal with his depression and neither of us considered my needs. And I'm feeling ashamed, slightly embarrassed, sadness and tired.
Ashamed that I allowed myself to be #2 to both of us.
Embarrassed that I kept making excuses to keep him in my life, even when he was obviously not invested in us.
The sadness and feeling tired is due to a year of letting things be too much.
I think most people (women) my age who are single or just came from a bad relationship feel this sense of the clock ticking. Not necessarily in the baby-making department, but more of where is he?
I want to be married. Not this very moment, but I've known for a number of years that I am a person who wants to be married and have a family and relatively, I want this all to happen before I'm 35. Well, sincerely I wanted the marriage and kids to happen in my late 20s, but now it's been pushed to 35. And I get scared that I'm just not good at relationships, for some reason.
It can't all be his fault. I've had two really bad break-ups. Both men I loved tremendously, one I lived with - shared a life with. I'm not writing off men, that's not the issue. The issue is accepting that maybe there's something I'm doing, either in the break down of communication or not realizing that in order for someone to love me, I need to love me all the time! Because I don't.
I'm in my mid-twenties and this is when things are suppose to be settling. I feel emotionally stronger then I ever have in my life. School has been such an amazing means for my self worth. I'm worth an education! I'm worth getting student loans to fulfill my dream and have a successful life, professionally. What I'm struggling with is accepting that I enter relationships thinking about my needs and if this man will be parallel with my needs. Then somewhere along the way, things always lean in his favor and I'm not strong enough to get out. I always hold on to some hope that he'll see me as someone wonderful and appreciate me but that hasn't been the case.
Andrew has left me feeling defeated, heartbroken... I need to lick my wounds, focus on myself and do some maturing. That's what our mid-twenties are for, right?