Thursday, February 11, 2010

book ends

Andrew and I have decided not to live together anymore and end the relationship. We've been together 2.5 years, we've lived together for 1.5 years; purchased appliances, gotten a dog together, traveled and celebrated holidays and birthdays.

It's been a challenging week. I failed my EMT mid-term Monday night. It knocked the wind out of me, especially since I didn't bomb it - I was well within reach but the school has strict rules in the medical programs what's passing and what's not. I've been removed from the course and must re-enter next term. Disappointing and embarrassing but I'm not a quitter. Financial Aid does not cover repeat courses so I have till the first week of April to come up with six-hundred extra bucks. I'm also moving out and with that comes many extra expenses.

I don't think it's really hit me or I've known (and unable to admit it, maybe?) that since the death of of his father, Andrew's battle with depression has been changing him. I can't soothe that kind of sorrow; 2009 was the year that tested my sanity. I asked Andrew to move out in April only to have him move back in June due to his many promises - none fulfilled.

I'm at a point where I can say out loud I need someone who supports me, believes in me, understands that trust, loyalty, humor and love are vital to me. These maybe important to Andrew but he does not practice them.

He gets Serena. I get Buddy and Sophie.

I want this to happen swiftly. I feel betrayed by my best friend. I feel sad. I feel a bit like a failure (end of the relationship with the stinging bonus of failing the EMT midterm.) But I'm ok... in most ways.

I'm suppose to feel this way - it's sad what has happened. I'm heartbroken that the man I love has decided he needs to be selfish and not be in a relationship. And it's nothing I did or didn't do according to Andrew. He just needs to be selfish.


I guess I should be too.

To be continued...

No comments: