Monday, March 8, 2010

brain storming

I'm growing anxious. My move out date is approaching and I'm torn. I know me moving out is the right, alas, the smart decision. I don't want this relationship - he hasn't been invested in it for months. I hate moving. The expense, the work it takes to package everything up, physically load it onto a truck, unload, unpack, ehhh...

It's the silence I'm going to have to deal with... alone. I won't have Serena and her puppy ways tearing through the living room or romping around with a squeaky toy. I won't have Andrew sitting on the sofa, watching Jeopardy or asking what's for dinner. In the mornings I won't hear his electric razor and Robin Meade on the tv while I pull myself from bed. The joy I get from having a full house will soon be replaced with a single lady life. It'll be me and my old dogs. Again. All of us a little bit older this time around. The three Musketeers.

I'll miss Andrew - I've been missing him. Whatever magic that made our bond so powerful has slowly been deteriorating. I'm numb and full of sorrow; they get all tangled and I think that's what it will be for awhile. Achy. I tell myself I'm moving on but I don't have a plan put together. I know I'll go through the motions; work and school. Work and school. I believe in time healing wounds. I believe that getting my own place and a new routine will be change enough to keep me busy.

I can clearly see the smarts of this decision I've made. Moving out. Moving on. Licking my wounds and starting anew. It's going through the motions, the follow through that is so damn sad. Speaking up for your feelings and acting on them even when you get hurt and the one you love most gets hurt in the process... that's rough. Or worse, he doesn't care. What then?

What then is here.

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all chocked up and you're ok?
I'm falling to pieces.

I'm in the process of boxing up my belongings. I don't know where to begin, I think it maybe a bit too early.

I can't even remember what it's like... Andrew being happy with me.
I'm 26 years old and I feel 100.
I'm really looking forward to taking a really long nap in my new apartment.

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