It's 8:18pm, I'm watching tv on the internet with three dogs at my feet. It's Thursday - Andrew doesn't teach afternoon classes. He's usually home around 3pm, takes Serena and Phia to the park but he's not home and I have no idea where he's at. Now, I know what you're thinking, it's none of my damn business what he's doing but... emotions are complicated.
With every car that drives past the window Serena whines with anticipation for her Daddy to open the garage door. I gave in and texted him. That was 16 minutes ago. For a man who lives on his phone, never has it more then a foot away, he's put me back in that horrible place I dread; he's avoiding me.
Whatever. I can take it. I don't let the feelings of being small and unimportant marinate for long. Soon I won't have to rationalize these shitty thoughts because I won't be in this scenario. I won't look at the clock and wonder why he's not home. I'll have a handful of other agonizing thoughts running through my mind as I sit on my sofa in my apartment. What can I say, I'm an emotional cutter.
I've been thinking about my future this week and that's when I fight back the tears. I don't know if it's the thought that he'll not miss me the way I want him too or that I never really meant that much and he'll bounce back before Spring term starts.
It's insane how insane we can drive ourselves when we have the loss of a relationship to deal with. So many ways to handle the achy, crappy feelings but more often then not we choose a painful path to coping. But what is the smart path? I think I'm being very smart but I still have all these shitty feelings tangled with sadness and I want to scream at him and cut him out of my life, but only if he puts up a fight.
How messed up is that?
And since he won't, we just avoid each other until we leave this apartment. This man who I wanted so much more from, just wants out.
I took the cutesy pictures of us off the fridge the night we broke up. All that remain are solo pics with the dogs. When I'm having a good (brief) cry, I tell that photo, "I love you."
Who knows why I do these things. I feel like saying he doesn't deserve it, but I don't know what to think or what to feel right now. I'm just having a good, and I'll make it brief, cry.