Thursday, March 18, 2010

Slamming doors

I want to scream at him. I want to call him every cheating, lying, selfish insult I can come up with, but what good would that do? It would roll like water off a duck's back - he'd be unaffected by it. Maybe get some kick out of knowing I'm still effected by him. But I would not feel better by hurting him or see him just write me off. So I'm stuck.

I want a release of some sort! I deserve that. For a month I've been quiet and gracious and staying out of his space and I discovered while I was being respective of his emotions, he was doing what he knows best; the art of stickin' it to Hayley. He went out to meet new women, or a woman, while I dog-sat, (cuz I was told he was with friends). While he told me his money problems and concerns for Serena and finding appropriate living for her, I listened and bit my tongue. His way of thanking me for listening to him carry on without ever noting the financial position he's put me in? Oh yes, he's buying a woman flowers and taking her out on a date.

My throat tightens. I feel tense. I see red. The rational part of my brain tells me this is who he is. This is how he copes. He is incapable of feeling sadness or grief or responsibility for things he has done that have directly hurt me. He will never admit to lying to me. He is disconnected and has removed himself from whatever love and home was ours. Instead of respecting what we had and value my sensitivity, he's off finding comfort in the eyes (or arms) of another woman.

I am no longer the type of woman that breaks things or says things in a moment of anger that is so destructive, I end up picking up the pieces and begging for forgiveness. What else can I do then? How can express myself without going overboard?

I discovered this morning how wonderful slamming a door can be.

(You want a favor from me? You want me to stop what I'm doing to help you out? As I'm walking out the door to work you want me to assist you? Are you fucking kidding me?)

And without thinking and with more strength I knew I had I slammed the back door so hard, I swear the neighbor four doors over woke up.

I exhaled.

This morning I felt more like myself then I have in the past 5 weeks. I've been addressing and working on my anger problem for over a year now. I'm happy that I didn't do what I used to do - break things. Those things usually being the closest object to me that belonged to him. Or break things with my words.

I said, "I think you can manage on your own." And I slammed that mother-fucking door behind me. I walked to my car and scrapped the thin layer of ice off my windshield and drove to work.

Ahhh... I just want out.

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