Sunday, March 21, 2010

So this is what it's come down to?

Buddy and Sophie are at the new apartment - by themselves. I'm covering the phones at work for a few hours and I thought this was a perfect way to introduce them to what will soon be our new home.

I sat on the living room floor while Bud and Phia ran throughout the apartment sniffing and getting excited. I was overwhelmed with emotions. I didn't know what I was feeling but I was crying. Buddy did his excited-panicked pant. He recognized that some of my belongings were there but his anxious pants were from being overwhelmed and maybe confused by everything. I felt guilty. Another move. Another apartment. He's old, he's going blind and deaf and I'm throwing him into a new, unknown environment. I know it's not a huge deal, dogs adapt, but I felt guilty. I found him a Daddy, a home, a comfortable routine and the causality of this broken relationship include this old, sweet dog.

I'm focusing on the positives to keep myself from being pitiful. I haven't been happy and my dogs sensed that. It will take some time, but I know I will feel relieved being single. There's no stairs in the new place, that's good for both dogs. It's smaller but that maybe better for them. Although Serena was the third member of their pack, she could play a little too rough and was a little too loud sometimes for Old Man Buddy.

The new place has a patio and a pretty brave squirrel that gave his two cents to Sophie when they met this morning. I like to think that a change isn't all bad. I shouldn't get stuck on the fact that things aren't going to be the same. Things weren't all that wonderful as they were.

It's the process that's so difficult!! I can acknowledge the smart steps to getting back on track and making myself a top priority but at 4am when my mind can't stop focusing on the empty spot in my bed, the tears come and no amount of rational thinking dry them.

Where's my heart's menu button? I need to re-set to my factory settings. Would that be so bad? I want to sleep till noon and wake up rested. I went to bed at 10pm, never slept more then 45 minutes and was up before the alarm at 7am.

I want a new familiar. Perhaps Buddy can take up that empty spot in my bed now. He may not be Andrew, but he's definitely more loyal.


Matt said...

I think you are lucky! New place, new adventure. I'm actually a little envious- change is a welcome friend in my life. I hope you and the nuggets adapt quickly and get to feeling comfortable and even happy. New people and fun await at the weirdest times. Yesterday I was dying for something interesting to happen, I'm SO over school right now. I went down to Sedona for some warmth and a hike and ended up picking up a hitchhiker who happened to be an Israeli yogini, astrologist and former Buddhist monk. He took me to the top of a vortex and we chanted and meditated. ha. random. but amazing and unexpected. (maybe i should blog about this?)

keep your eyes open and smile!

Hayley Freakin' Rules said...

Matt you make me smile! I hate to think of the time past since we shared the stage as Prince and Princess. Thank you so much for these words!! Sometimes I feel so stuck; still here in Portland, still w/o a degree, and now single again w/just my pups. Then again, I am so thankful I have all these things and much more. I do think a change will be good. Plus, what I had wasn't all that great. When the weather gets hot, come back to Portland and lets re-connect.