A friend I haven't seen in nearly 4 years had a house party/welcome home party this evening. It was absolutely amazing catching up with her.
We talked fast, tried to update the other on our life and lingered only momentarily to discuss the big events... On my drive home I felt exhausted and happy. I wonder why I don't have warm friends like that anymore? Why is it when I think of my friends now, specifically the women I hang out with now, the ones I consider my dearest of friends, I don't feel that level of sincerity? And it sorta just came to me.
They know what Andrew did and they're still friends with him.
On a certain level, that is petty. I'm not asking them not to be friends with him but what is important is not one of them has come over to my place and discussed what went down. I haven't had my girls rally around me. Sadly, whenever I tried, (because I stopped months ago trying to talk about my emotions with them), I was basically told "this shit happens every day" and "you made your bed" type of dialogue would take place. Not very supportive or understanding.
All the while Andrew was being invited over for dinner, pool at the bar, etc. At the time I was so betrayed by this, but for one reason or another, pushed it down and didn't make a big deal of it. I had more important and immediate things to deal with (Where the f*ck to live? Oh my God I'm broke. How can I say goodbye to Serena? Do I stay in school? etc.).
So, for a moment, I put myself in their shoes. If their fella did to them what was done to me, would I still chat with this guy? Invite him to gigs? Rafting trips? Doggy play dates? Barbecues?
I would not.
I would not be mean or uncivil to the guy but I could not respect him because of what he did to my friend. I'm a grown up. I know relationships even non-romantic ones, can be complicated at times. But after talking for hours this evening with my old friends, catching up, feeling their warmth and sincerity; it caught me off guard how much I don't have that with the women that I currently consider my best friends.
There's a part of me that wants to sound off and demand that they give me an explanation for their lack of support and why did they judge me instead of comfort me? I want to know why they still maintain, what appears to be, the same level of friendship/involvement with Andrew? Why am I getting screwed over by my girlfriends?
I don't want my feelings to go unvalidated by the people I love most. Maybe I've been a burden and don't realize it. It's all a mystery right now... I will say that I have some how managed to almost always care most about people who can't seem to answer my questions.
I guess a good blog-sound-off will suffice for now.