Tuesday, August 17, 2010

10 things that should happen on a date... that don't anymore

10 Things That Should Happen on a Date... that don't.
-from the female perspective-

1. Open a f*cking door why don'tch'ya! This little act of kindness has fallen by the waist side with most men 25-35 years old. I know we're living in the prime age of independent women, but we still like to be treated like a lady. Open the door, pull out a chair - give it a try, you'll be surprised how much that impresses her (and how much you'll benefit from it).

2. Don't talk about money. Please stop whining about how the economy has taken away your ability to afford your big-boy toys like jet skis or ATVs. Or the flip side - please, please, PLEASE do not boast about how awesome your new car is or your boat house is so friggin' cool. You're rich or you used to be rich. I'm a grown-ass woman that makes my own money. Your money only interests me when (and if) it becomes our money.

3. Don't insult my job. Yeah, maybe I'm doing the bartending thing part time while going to school, or working some lame $9 an hour receptionist job at a Real estate company - I know it sucks. Please don't remind me.

4. No locker room talk, please. I understand that I'm a super cool chick and can banter with the best of men, but when we're on a date, stop with Kobe-rape jokes. They do not put me in the mood for anything but the check.

5. Shut up and stop fidgeting. Why so tense, homie? The guy that has to drink four glasses of water before our appetizers arrive or can't seem to sit friggin' still! What the hell? Do I make you nervous? Do you have something better to do? Stop stressing about what to say or how to sit like a cool guy in a booth or whatever the hell it is that is causing you to stammer and switch your keys and cell phone from pocket to pocket every 30 seconds. You're making things weird.

6. Sex and your ex. Seems pretty obvious, right? Don't talk about the sex you had with the ex (or any ex) whether it was amazing or horrible. It's astonishing how many men get on this topic and don't pick up the hints that it's not cool when all I can add to the conversation is a hesitant: "Ahhh..."

7. Did you look in the mirror before you left? I understand that guys can get away with the jeans, t-shirt look for just about anything. But if I'm putting in the effort to re-apply my make-up, fix my hair and maybe even change my outfit completely after working all day, please wear something other than a Jersey Shores Fist Pumping t-shirt.

8. Don't have a bromance on our date. I'm sure your best bud is awesome. Yeah, that's super rad that you two have been in the same fantasy football league for years and you're dominating, blah blah blah. But do you have to take text messages from him and update me on how hilarious his Facebook status is? I don't date couples, even if you claim to be straighties.

9. Don't compliment my ass or tits. Yeah - this may be a shocker to some dudes out there. Tell me I look pretty or beautiful or I have an amazing smile or gorgeous eyes. Telling me it's hard to concentrate on what I'm saying because my rack is super distracting and it's making your pants tight... that's a sure way to get me to give you an awesome view of my ass - walking away.

10. It's ok to be romantic. Please, bring me flowers or stand when I leave the table - it's exciting when I feel your hand on my back when we're walking to the car, or when you offer me your arm. Nothing makes a lady swoon more than when you put your jacket over my shoulders because you thought I'd be cold. And oh my goodness - ask me to dance! Especially slow dance... and goodnight kisses are sweet but a random kiss on the hand during the date makes me melt.

1 comment:

Jessica said...

Hahaha. Dating sucks.